100 Pages
by carnivalparade
Summary: hey book... today i think... i've fallen in love.  i know all the girls usually rave about days like these where all the can think about is the boy of their dreams.  but i think thats gay.  and i think, book... that maybe... i might be too.
1. PAGE1m

As a writer, you should be able to explain small things with little significance, with many words to make them interesting and big, important things, without saying much at all, but still being able to keep their value. When I was in middle school I decided to keep a diary to practice my skills as a writer. This way I'd be forced to explain dull days intricately and bright days without overkilling them. Of course, I never got around to doing so since I always thought diaries were girly things about the cute boys and evil bitches at school. But now I don't think it would be all that bad, considering, as a writer, I want my own skills to grow and the only way to nurture them would be through daily practice. So I decided to challenge myself: one page a day for a year, no matter what or how the day is. (of course, I already realize this attempt is futile since composition books only have 100 pages) I still cannot, however, bring myself to call you diary (due to my so-called 'male dignity') so you will just be called: book.  
>(since I used half of today's page already, there's not much I can say for this day)<br>My name is Roxas Strife. I'm 15 years old. I aspire to become a novelist, if that wasn't already obvious. I suppose, book, that that is all there really is to me. I'm not a very interesting person and not much happens to me. (I'm now beginning to think this whole book thing will be quite difficult and boring to say the least) Either way, book, today is the first day of the last semester of my first year in high school. After school I stopped at the convenience store and actually stared at you long enough for a worker to ask if I was doing okay. When I had realized I had spent all of twenty three minutes debating on whether or not to do this whole book thing, I picked you up, paid the better half of what had been in my wallet for you, and headed home. Which brings us to where we are now: on my bed with nothing more to say.

-  
>an: hello!

to new readers, welcome to 100 Pages.  
>a few things to know before you get started: 100P based of off Roxas's daily writings in a journal. therefore, the chapters are short as if written in a notebook. also, some chapters are cut off as if he had run out of room and moved onto another page.<br>another thing is the chapter titles. they look like this PAGE(number)(letter). the number is, obviously, what page is being used. the letter is the day.  
>(s-sunday,m-monday,t-tuesday,w-wednesday,h-thursday,f-friday,a-saturday)<br>fair warning, this story is dumb and frustrating, but people seem to like it.  
>there is a tumblr for updates and questions. there you may ask any characters any question.<br>be sure to check it out as there are things revealed that is never told in the story.  
>100pages[dot]tumblr[dot]com<p>

to old readers, welcome to the edited version on 100P.  
>i hope that you find the time to read 100P a second time before you get into Falling.<br>the story was cleaned up and little details were fixed (ie: at first, Roxas's art teacher mysteriously changed genders and Roxas apparently had short term memory loss because he'd do/say the same things weeks apart (its hard to keep track of 100 chapters))  
>as i started writing Falling, i noticed all these errors and was able to go back and fix them.<br>same as the new readers, i hope that you visit the tumblr again and read the q&a's as they have some interesting things that you may want to know


	2. PAGE2t

Hi book. It's me again. So I actually managed to make it to day two. Which is a pretty big accomplishment considering my procrastinate nature. Anyway, today when I woke up it took me half an hour to realize I had woken up an hour after school started which would put me two hours behind since it took another thirty minutes to get to school. The bus was pleasantly empty since everyone was at work and school. In fact, I think today may have been the first time I didn't sit next to someone on the way to school. It would have been a rather nice experience had the bus driver been able to drive without jerking and swerving. By the time I had gotten to school, I was debating on going to the nurse just to get sent home again. But that's about the time I managed to catch Sora's eye. Sora's a boy my age with chestnutty hair and a similar stature to my own. He tries to be friends with _everyone_ and is semi-bipolar character-wise. He can be both sure nice and a total douche all at once. He has a babyish personality and gets whatever he wants because of it. I'm Sora's best friend. We've known each other since grade school and he always told everyone I was the best friend he ever had. This always makes me pity the kid and question his idea of what exactly a 'good friend' really is considering I figure that I was a pretty lousy friend. I mean, I never like to hang out with him or remember his birthday. But that aside, when Sora saw me, he jumped me and latched to my arm like usual. He dragged me into our next class and from there the rest of the day went by just like every single one before it. At the end of the day, just before Sora got onto his bus, he turned to me and said these words, "I'm in love with someone Roxas." Then he left. Just like that. I don't quite understand the concept of love at first sight. I guess it could exist? I don't know… I've never been in love and my guardian says that's normal for 'kids like me.' Id explain what I meant by that, book, but I'm sure that you can tell I'm nearing the last lines of page two. So maybe some other day. For now book, this is good bye.


	3. PAGE3h

Hello book. If you're wondering why I didn't write in you yesterday, then I can explain. Don't you go thinking that I forgot about you or that I've grown tired of you or given up on this silly idea because that would be untrue. Yesterday after another boring day of school, Sora dragged me onto his bus and took me home with him. He told me he had something we needed to talk about and. Being the genius writer that I know I am, I already knew it was about the girl he was in love with. When we got into his house we flew up the stairs to the safety of his bedroom. That's when I found out that I wasn't as much of a genius as I thought because the words that left his lips told me this, "His name is Axel." Okay, so I got one detail wrong and all it was was a Y-chromosome. I'm still an amazing, brilliant genius who could read Sora easier than a kindergarten-level, my-first-book on an audio tape. That aside, he told me about this boy who transferred in from America. He was the bad boy type which, I guess, is Sora's type(?). He's 'tall and gorgeous' and lets not forget to mention a _complete stranger_. Sora had fallen for the guy mostly because he was a foreigner, but also because, according to Sora, this Axel person was a 'real gentleman' (whatever that means. I didn't know 'gentlemen' were 'bad boys'). Anyway, enough about that book, allow me to tell you about today. Today Sora took me Axel-hunting ( not like I was actually any help since I've never seen the guy) and could not, for the life of him, find the guy. When I joked and told Sora that Axel was hiding from him, he got upset and yelled at me and ran off. Then I was given detention from a teacher who heard Sora's yelling and blamed it on me. That is something that happens a lot, but he always makes up for it by buying me ice cream. Or rather, he usually does. This time he told me I got what I deserved, then turned and got on his bus. Whatever. I don't care. It's like I said: I'm Sora's best friend. Not the other way around.


	4. PAGE4f

I'm just gonna jump right into it. Today was weird. And trust me it's odd when I have a weird day. It's odd when I don't have a day that wasn't a photocopy of the day before it. When I got to school, Sora ignored me, which was a stupid idea since he doesn't really hang out with anyone aside from me so he was left to be a loner all day. But whatever, today wasn't about him. It was a bout a girl. Naminé and I have been friends since middle school. The kind of friends you have in class or in large groups where you don't know anyone, but that one person. We became friends because in our Earth Science class we both had no friends and we sat next to each other. She's not too outgoing and she keeps to herself, but she's really good with her hands. Anyway, book, back to today. During lunch, I went to eat in my chemistry teacher's classroom with some friends, but on my way up the stairs, I noticed the blonde girl sitting with her head down on her knees. I thought about walking past her and pretending I hadn't seen a thing. But, of course, I couldn't do it. So I sat on the stairs next to the girl and the moment I did she said my name. I was shocked and she looked up at me and said, "Your shoes." I guess I'm the only kid in school who's willing to risk detention for breaking dress-code and having checkered laces. That aside though, she was crying. Or she had been; her eyes were red and her nose was pink. She sniffled and smiled at me and when I asked her what was wrong, she didn't even hesitate to tell me. She told me that her dad was in the hospital. She told me her grandmother had called her during school and when I asked why she wasn't there with him she told me her mother hated her father and didn't want to pick Naminé up from school just to take her to see the man. She told me that he had gotten hit by a car and that he was in critical condition and that he might not live to see tomorrow because he was a hemophiliac and had bled out too much. And so I told her to come with me. I snuck her off campus and to my guardian's house a block away. I brought her into the garage and into the silver Toyota that lived there, 'borrowed' the keys, and drove her to the hospital.


	5. PAGE5a

Hey book. Today is Saturday if you didn't know. Today I was planning on sleeping till noon like I do every Saturday. But today my guardian stormed in my room at six in the morning daring me to tell her why there was one fourth of a tank of gas missing from her car. She wasn't upset about the gas thing; she was upset about the 15-year-old-kid-driving-without-even-a-permit thing. When I told her to go away, she said something unforgivable to me, "How would your parents ever put up with you if they were around?" I got up from my bed, grabbed you and a jacket after thanking god I had fallen asleep in my jeans, and walked right up to her. She's a petty woman, skinny and small, so she obviously couldn't hold her ground when I slapped her across the face. No I didn't hit a girl, I slapped a fucking bitch who doesn't know what to and not to say to a hormonal teenager. She was only asking for it. Anyway, book, that's how we got here: five blocks from home at the park I used to play at after school when my parents _were_ around. In case you couldn't figure it out, book, my parents are dead. My mama was only 16 when she had me and my papa a year older. They were never in love. Just two kids who had sex at some high school party and accidentally had a kid. Lucky for me, my father was a good kid with parents with an anti-abortion view on life. So they raised an accidental child and lost what is supposed to be the best years of someone life. Mama dropped out of school to have me and papa had to get a part time job to keep the three of us alive. My parents both loved me. They never seemed to detest the fact that I had been an unplanned and unnecessary aspect in their lives. They spent most of the little money they had on toys and child care and spent most of their time just playing with me and making sure I was happy. My parents got married on my mama's 18th birthday. I never thought about if it was because they fell in love or because it benefitted them, but I never really cared either. All I cared about was the family fate had placed me in. The same family fate would one day take away, but for now that's a story for another day.


	6. PAGE6s

Hi book. Today was another boring one. Yesterday my guardian never came over. I still haven't seen her, but whatever. I don't like her anyway. You know what would be really cool? If she never came back! Yeah that would be cool. Except when I need paper signed. Then that wouldn't be so cool. But anyway, I was woken by my phone at 1 in the afternoon. It was Sora. When I answered he didn't say anything. When I told him I was hanging up he told me to wait. He said that he was just calling to and then he stopped. I knew what he was doing since it happens a lot. He wanted to say sorry, but he had too much pride for it. He finished his sentence with a, "to tell you I hate you." Then he hung up. I hung up and thought nothing more of it because come time to find and talk to Axel, he'd be begging for me to go with him. Anyhow, after that I called Naminé to check up on her, but she didn't answer. I hope her father will be okay since the last thing I'd wish upon someone would be to lose even one parent. At two I went to the grocery store for no reason. I think intended to have a reason, but when I got there not only did I forget what I wanted, but I had also realized I left my wallet at home. So I walked back home and played video games until eight when the power went out. When I found a flashlight, I also found it had no batteries. In the cabinet where batteries are supposed to be, I found a screwdriver which somehow reminded me I wanted to buy a doorknob so that my guardian wouldn't have a key to the house anymore. That's how it used to be anyway. She couldn't get in unless I had let her in, but then one day she somehow got ahold of my key and copied it. I told her I'd eventually change it and she laughed and said I was too lazy to do so. Book, I promise you I'll get it done by the end of the week. So then, after all that I ended up here: on my bed, in the dark, with nothing more than a pocket-sized flashlight and you to keep me company. I think now… I'll go to sleep. (ugh I just realized I didn't do any homework this weekend… whatever.)


	7. PAGE7m

Today is the start of a new week. Monday. I like Mondays. Most kids hate them and I can completely understand why. I mean who wants to wake up early, come to school, and do work? No one really. But I don't like the weekends. I never do anything and at school I have friends to hang out with and things to do. When I'm by myself, I think too much and that always leads to sad memories. So then… about today. Today was boring during school, but after school? Things got… interesting, so forgive me for using two pages today, book. In school Sora ignored me, but I didn't really care. Then I found Riku. Or rather, he found me. He hunted me down because, before second term ended, I told him I wanted to get a new piercing and Riku's always the one who takes me. Riku is my best friend, which you might think is weird since I never mentioned him before, but that's because he went on a trip and only got back this past weekend. We've known each other forever. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm friends with Sora is because when Riku moved up to junior high, I needed to make a new friends so that I wasn't by myself. One day, book, I'll tell you more about Riku, but for now let me tell you about the rest of my day. So after school, Riku took me to his friend's shop and told the guy I wanted my belly button pierced. He shrugged and said okay which was good because I was worried he would ask how old I was or if I had parental consent. He led me to the back of his shop and had me sit in the same chair I always sat in to get something done. As he marked my navel for the entry and exit point of the needle all I could think was, 'Great. One more reason for Sora to hate me right now.' The guy, who for some reason I can never remember the name of, asked if I was ready. When I nodded I had to hold my breath. He told me to relax and that it wasn't as bad as some of the other things I had done. Then he took the needle, pushed it through my skin and reminded me to breathe. It hadn't hurt much and the worst was already over, so I exhaled and let him finish doing his thing.


	8. PAGE8m

When it was all over, I admired my new piece of jewelry. The barbell was a dark silver and the small gemstones were black. I stuck out my tongue to reveal the matching rings in a mirror. That's when a voice I'd never heard before spoke to me. "Nice holes," it said. I turned to face a teen that was probably two years older than me. He had these stunning emerald eyes that sort of pierced through you with thin, tear-shaped tattoos bellow each one. His fire engine-red hair that was spiked in every direction only added to his already unreasonably tall stature. I thanked him and turned back to the guy who'd done a lovely job on me once again to thank him. That's when the red-haired guy behind me spoke again. He asked what other piercings I had. I told him I had just a few on my ears, which was a lie, but really? I didn't want to tell a random stranger I had my nipples pierced. You probably think I'm really weird, don't you book? You're probably wondering why a kid like me would have such odd things like piercings. Especially the ones I chose. But honestly? I don't have an answer to it aside from the fact that I just like them. Anyway the guy laughed almost as if he knew I was lying. Just as he was about to introduce himself, Riku entered the scene. He lifted my shirt just high enough to see my new ring and smiled. Then he turned to the shop owner and thanked and tipped him. Riku looked to the redhead and introduced me to him. Then the guy smiled and said he already knew who I was and when I asked how he said he was in my art class and I had just never noticed. Riku called me cold and I felt like a total jerk face. I apologized, but he just laughed and told me it was cool since I always seemed to be sleeping anyway. Then the guy introduced himself and I can tell you, book, what I heard shocked me. He told me… his name was Axel.


	9. PAGE9t

Hey book. You know? Sometimes I wish you could tell me about your day. Sometimes I wonder what you would do all day while I'm gone. Then I realize how stupid of me it is to think that inanimate objects could do so. Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me that I'd be better off as a children's author rather than a novelist. Well anyway, today was all kinds of boring. I woke up, took the bus to my guardian's house, told my guardian that she was locked out of my house, and walked the rest of the way to school. When I saw Sora, I waved and he rolled his eyes at me. That made me laugh. When I got to my first class, he passed me a note during a test that had the answers scribbled on it so that when the teacher came by I'd get in trouble to cheating. I 'forgot' to do my homework for the class after that, so the teacher had me sit outside the room. By the time it was recess I was ready to go home. I ditched my next classed and hung out in my literature teacher's room. He's real cool. He'll let me sit and talk or play video games or sleep during his free periods. Then I actually had his class and he taught us about how to build a climax. During lunch I ate with Riku and Axel and found out that Axel's mother knew Riku's father from high school. They were prom king and queen. After lunch Axel and I talked about the most random of things like, why potatoes taste like dirt and if scarves really even do anything. After that I went to my last class, slept, and got in trouble for sleeping. Then I went to the detention session Sora had so kindly graced me with. On my way there I ran into Riku, who laughed at me and told me to stop being friends with a snotty kid like Sora. After cleaning chalkboards and sweeping floors and wiping desks with this other kid who had gotten detention, I headed for the bus stop. I waited at the bus stop for an hour and a half. It rained. I got soaked. When I got home, I changed clothes, did my homework, then looked for you. That was my oh so very wonderful day.


	10. PAGE10w

Today when I got to school, Sora was waiting for me at the entrance. He told me had forgiven me for being such a jerk to him (when all I did was say one little joke and he got me in trouble. Twice.) I figured he was only saying that cause he wanted something from me. And I was right because the next words out of his mouth were, "will you come with me to find Axel?" I told you I'm a genius, book. So I agreed, of course, since I knew if I had turned away, he'd just cause me more trouble. Sora squealed and hugged me and told me to meet him during lunch. So come lunchtime, I hardly have enough time to even pack my things back in my bag before Sora runs into my class and pulls me by the wrist, heading straight for the art building. "He eats in the lower-level art classroom," Sora told me. I already knew that since I had eaten with him the day before. Of course I wanted to know why Sora knew and when I asked he told me it was none of my business, which was typical of him. Anyway when we saw Axel he smiled and waved at me, but I think Sora thought it was for him because 1) Sora didn't know I already met Axel and 2) he smiled and blushed the same way any girl does every time the boy she likes even glances at her. That's when Sora chickened out. He spun around quickly facing me and mouthing the words, 'I can't do this.' I gave him the blankest stare possible telling him to suck it up and just say something. I turned him to face Axel, who looked quite confused. Then Sora ran up to him and asked him out. Just like that. No warning or anything. I was waiting for Axel to say no since people don't just date people they've never gotten the change to get to know. But he never did. In fact, he said sure. And Sora flipped. He was like oh my god no waaaayyyyyyy and stuff like that. Then he hugged Axel and skipped back to me. He told me he was gonna eat with Axel and that I could leave. So I did. And as I left all I could think was: fricken Americans.


	11. PAGE11h

Hi book. I really don't feel like writing or talking or thinking or anything-that-isn't-sleeping. Today was dull. I went to class, did work, ate lunch, and went home. Really. In the order. I never went to my after-lunch classes. In fact, I hardly made it through lunch before Riku and I ditched and took the bus to my house. We played video games and then he went home. Usually I would use an opportunity like this to tell you a story or to tell you about a person, but really? Today was just very uninspiring. Perhaps I'll remember to use the other half of this page someday. Perhaps I won't. Either way, for now this is good night. At five pm.


	12. PAGE12f

If you asked me what Riku's worst quality was, this is what I'd tell you: Riku likes to meddle with things. So of course when Sora asked Axel to hang out after school, Riku gave me a look. And of course that look told me he was plotting. And of course, when Sora left for class, Riku dragged me from the classroom and invited me (or rather forced me) to go with him to 'observe' the new couple's date. So come the end of sixth period, Riku dragged me out of class to hunt down Sora and Axel. Not that it would be hard; I mean there aren't many people with bright red hair. We followed Sora and Axel in Riku's car all the way to an amusement park that was almost on the other side of town. We spent two hours following safely out of site as the two went on rides and played games and ate food. Riku said it was good that they were getting along good and he said that they looked 'cute' together. But, in my opinion, that wasn't the case. You see, when as a writer, you kind of learn how to read people. Sora, I could tell was having a blast. He was absolutely loving his date with Axel. And when he looked at Axel, he looked at him with such endearment. As if they had been going out for forever. Axel, on the other hand, was enjoying himself, but he did not _really_ see the event as an actual date (more like a getting-to-know-you sort of thing). I'm not saying that Axel doesn't like Sora. It's just that he doesn't like him as a lover. Yet. They just have to hang out more. Anyway after those two boring hours of playing spy with Riku, Axel and Sora went to play this bottle game. You know? The one where you throw the rings and try to get it on the red bottle, but what you don't know is that the red bottle is too big for the rings to fit around? I mean you probably don't, since you're a book, but yeah, that one. Anyway when they went to play, Riku got dangerously close and that silver hair of his caught Axel's eye. And when Axel turned most likely to ask what we were doing there, Riku's first instinct was to grab me by the waist and kiss me right on the lips. Then he –so causally mind you- looked at Axel and Sora and told them, "oh! Hey guys we didn't see you there. Well uhm… I guess you caught us, huh?" So I guess that means, in Sora and Axel's eyes at least, I'm dating Riku.


	13. PAGE13a

Hello book. It's finally the weekend again. I didn't do anything much today aside from waking up an hour ago and eating a one-bread sandwich, the last piece of food in my house. Did I mention its already four o clock in the afternoon? I'll have to remember go grocery shopping tomorrow. Since I haven't gotten much done today, I'll tell you more about Riku like I promised earlier. Riku's mom was my mother's friend's sister and the only one who had kids the same time as my mama. So they had play dates for us or when one had to go out, she'd leave her son with the other. Riku and I grew up like brothers so the thought of going out with him is a little weird. Oh and don't get the wrong idea, book. We are NOT going out. We never have and we never will. Ever. It was just a cover up Riku pulled together so we wouldn't get in trouble for spying. Anyway, Riku is a year older than me and twenty feet taller. Or maybe I'm just short. There are quite a few girls in my class who surpass me in the height factor. Riku has shoulder length silver hair and teal coloured eyes. Sora used to like him too, but Riku's kind of an ass. He had told Sora that he was annoying and that he couldn't see himself going out with a stubborn, selfish brat, so right at that moment Sora decided to hate Riku. Sora's very dramatic and moody. Like a girl. Riku slacks academically (he's not stupid, he just doesn't do the work), but makes up for it in extracurriculars. He's in drama (which explains his amazing show at last night), swimming, diving, and this weird dance club thing. He's told me since we were eight that he wanted to be an astronaut. And since we were eight, I've always laughed at him. When he would ask why I was laughing, I would tell him because he's stupid and doesn't do his school work, but in all honesty I think he has the potential to do it. Riku's also the only person, aside from my lit teacher, who knows I aspire to become a novelist. Oh and aside from you too, book. Last thing: Riku's a man whore. One day I'll go into that, I swear.


	14. PAGE14s

Good day book. Today was mildly productive. I woke up early to catch the bus that would take to the train station with just enough time to buy an orange juice and hop on the train. The reason I go to the bank on the other side of town was 1) one of the tellers there knew me (and about my parents) and always gave me some sort of food something or some random coupon for some store and 2) the grocery store there is retardedly (I can make up words if I want to) inexpensive. So when I went to get money from the account my parents and grandparents left me with, the teller girl sent me on my way with the fifty dollars I had withdrawn and a box of cookies someone had given her. My shopping list looked like this: milk, bread, star fruit, orange juice, toilet paper, batteries, cereal, instant coffee, peanut butter, ice cream, guava jelly, and a random assortment of TV dinners. Those are the foods I like to have (no, not the toilet paper and batteries) that my guardian never seems to get for me no matter how often I ask. She also goes grocery shopping for me every two weeks. After my shopping, I was left with 8 bags. One with the cookies from the bank teller, one for the milk, one for the ice cream, peanut butter, and jelly, and one for the toilet paper in my right hand. One for the juice, two for the four or five TV dinners, and one for everything else in the left. I don't even know if that makes sense. Whatever. When it started raining, I ran back to the bank and the teller there asked her boss or whoever if she could leave work for a family emergency. Then she drove me home so I wouldn't have to run in the rain since, she said, it would be hard for me to take care of myself if I get sick. When I got home, I unpacked all of my newly-purchased provisions and introduced them to their new homes. Afterwards, I checked my mail, paid my phone bill via internet, and my internet bill via phone. After this, I'm probably gonna eat and play video games or watch TV until I fall asleep. So until tomorrow, book, adieu.


	15. PAGE15m

Yo. It's the start of another new week and the first time I've seen Sora and Axel since I was caught swapping spit with Riku. During lunch, Sora was sitting on Axel's lap while interrogating me. The two seemed an awful lot closer today than before. A whole lot lovey-er than last week, so I knew something must have happened over the weekend while I was alone doing nothing. I guess I'll never really find out because it's none of my business. Anyway, lunch was a weird conversation between Riku, Sora, and Axel about my 'secret relationship' until, out of nowhere, Sora brings up my new piercing (I can probably blame Axel for that one since I know I hadn't told him) and gets all mad at me for that (he thinks it stupid and disgusting that I get piercings). However, by the end of lunch, Axel had him calmed and, when they kissed each other good bye, Riku asked if we should do the same. I told him to fuck off, but he did it anyway. He told me he loved me so very much and that he would be counting down the second until we could see each other again. He's so overdramatic. During art, Axel asked if Riku and I were really dating and I told him that Riku was full of crap. I was going to go into some long elaborate explanation about how we were following them and the kiss/relationship was just Riku's quick out-of-the-ass cover up, but then I didn't _really_ want him to know we were spying. I wanted to defend myself and blame the whole thing on Riku, but I thought to myself, why would I even need to? I mean, I've kissed Riku before. No big deal. All I should have to say is that we're not dating and that should be good enough. I thought about asking Axel what he had done over the weekend. It would be a casual and discreet way of inquiring about his and Sora's sudden closeness. But something stopped me. Almost like I didn't want to hear it even though I really wanted to know. Whatever. It's got nothing to do with me. I shouldn't be nosey anyway.


	16. PAGE16h

Hello book. If you wanted to know why I didn't write in you yesterday and the day before it was because I didn't want to waste pages on boring days. I realized that at the pace I'm going, you might not make it to see the end of the school year, so I won't be using you on nothing-days unless I feel like telling you stories about people or something. Anyway, today's school day was a replica of the two before it, go to class, eat lunch with Riku and the lovers, go to class some more. The difference about today was I had Riku take me back to the tattoo shop where I had my navel pierced. When we walked in the guy asked if anything was wrong and I told him no. And that I was in for my first tattoo. He smiled at me as if he were waiting for the day I said those words to him. He asked what I wanted and where so I told him stars on my hips. Just two black stars, no bigger than three centimeters in width. My inspiration had come from my lit teacher's stars. He had one on each shoulder probably the same size and my palm. I remember he randomly said he wanted tattoos one day and I said to get them on his shoulders. Then he came to school the next day with the two stars. So that's how I ended up lying on a bed in the back of the shop with my headphones on my head and my eyes shut tight. I tried not to tense my body and I tried to ignore the burning sensation. I tried to ignore the fact that I had needles pounding into my skin. It didn't work too well. The fact that it was my hips and the skin there was soft and sensitive didn't help at all. But it was probably good that I kept the tattoos just off the bone since I'm kind of thin and the amount of skin there would probably make it feel like the guy was shattering my hip bones. Then, for a second, I wished I was a girl. That way I could wear dresses until my new ink healed because it had suddenly dawned on me that wearing pants would be a bitch. When it was all over, I wanted to lie there forever. I wanted to fall asleep there and wake up with the pain gone. But I couldn't. Riku helped me get up and then I looked in the mirror I smiled. I loved them. They were perfect. I guess all there really is to say now, book, is: damn girls are lucky.


	17. PAGE17f

Today was pain-filled. First, when I woke up, I remembered that I was a stomach sleeper and, no matter how hard I tried to go to sleep on my back, somehow I ended up sleeping on both my piercing and my ink. So I spent my morning moving slowly due to the stinging pains in my hip area. Oh and I was right, putting pants on did hurt. I didn't even wear the belt I'm usually forced to. I decided holding my pants up was a lot less agonizing. Next, on my way to lunch, Sora grabbed me in this weird hug thing from behind and he squeezed right around my hips. It hurt. Really bad. And I didn't mean to scream, but I did. And he freaked a little. Then he said, "what the hell Roxas? What did you get this time?" So he pulled up my shirt to reveal my two tender stars. He got mad, which was funny. He said I need to stop getting "slutty and faggy" things done. Luckily Axel and Riku were nowhere to be found during lunch, so I didn't have to hear him bitch about me to Axel. Next on my hurting agenda was during my last period of the day. Now if anyone had told me anything, this next thing could have been avoided completely. Well, actually if I had any common sense at all it could have been avoided too. I'm just gonna go right ahead and blame my lack of judgment on my previous multiple abuses. Anyway, I was holding my books against my chest and I decided to just let them go and slide down my stomach, catching my navel ring, on their way to my desk. I had inhaled sharply and clasped my hands over the ring, fighting the urge to swear in front of my teacher. I wanted to cry. It felt like I had just ripped the thing out. In fact, I made it a point to turn to where no one could see just so I could check out the damage. The piercing was okay aside from the slight redness blooming around my belly button. The last thing to happen was completely un-body-mod-related. On my way home, when I was getting off the bus, the door closed on my foot, which kinda hurt. But being caught in a door, with not even a millisecond to think, meant I kept trying to walk, therefore tripping and falling forward. I remembered thinking 'fall on your side' since my hip area had gotten enough abuse. I managed to catch myself, but I scraped the palms of both my hands. Anyway book, I bet you're glad you don't have to have nerves.


	18. PAGE18w

Hi book. It's Wednesday and you probably want to know what happing with Saturday, Sunday, Monday, _and_ Tuesday. On Saturday, it was raining so I decided it would be fun to play in the rain (what do I think I am, six?) and accidentally fall asleep on the couch with the windows open. I woke up Sunday morning with a killer headache, major chills, and a fever higher than I can count (not really, but it sounds cooler than an actual number, right?) Come Monday, Riku, Sora, and Axel came over after school to say hi, but I asked Riku to just have everyone leave so I could sleep. And he did. So not much happened these past three days. My guardian came over yesterday morning. I didn't let her in. I pretended to be sleeping. When she left, I made my way to school and somewhere between the bus stop and school, Axel found me. He said I looked like I was gonna pass out and he told me I still had a pretty high temperature and that if I went to school, they'd just send me home. So he took me back home. Today, even though I still felt crappy, I went to school. I spent the whole day in my lit teacher's class and slept, so I probably could have just stayed home. I went to art to keep Axel company, but I don't think I did a good job. I think I fell asleep there too. Axel had given me a ride home again and Riku came to stay with me overnight just so I would have someone to watch me and keep me company I guess. Right now I'm in the bathroom pretending to take a shower so that Riku doesn't think I'm a girl for writing in a diary. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.


	19. PAGE19h

It's a new day and a new month. I felt a little better this morning, but now it feels like someone is squeezing my skull. When I woke up, I decided I would not go to school. Somehow I ended up there anyway. I went to all of my classes and none of my teachers got mad about not getting my homework done since I looked like shit (so there IS a plus side to this). You see book, I wasn't going to write about today, but something happened in art class that forced me to. I was talking to Axel, like I do every day, but with my face on the desk since it hurt to hold my head up. We were just talking, when all of a sudden one of our classmates ran up to our table. Let me stop here really quickly to explain the art room set up. There are six tables and the teacher's desk. There are three rows with two tables in each and four chairs at a table. The table me and Axel always sit at is in the back left corner, by the window. No one else sits at our table since the class is small and everyone likes to sit with their friends. Now this kid that ran up to us is the kid in the class no one likes, but everyone knows. The teachers are nothing but annoyed by them and all the students just want them to jump off the language building (since there's three floors). I don't know what he was expecting out of doing what he did next, but he did it with the hugest grin on his face. He ran up to us and shook the table violently. I'd never spoken a word to the kid so god knows why he wanted to shake the table I had my head on. Anyway, I felt nauseous the moment he did it. To the point of tears. I suddenly felt so horrible I was crying. And when I looked up at the kid to yell at him, I threw up. I made sure to turn away from Axel, because the last thing I wanted to do was puke on him. I don't know what crazy things happen when you vomit on Americans. At that point I was crying because I felt sick AND I had just made a huge embarrassment of myself. Axel explained what happened to the art teacher and he got mad and made the kid who shook our table clean the floor. Then he asked Axel to take me to the nurse's office, where I changed out of my uniform and apologized for the scene I caused. Axel laughed it off and told me not to worry about it. He also made sure to add in the fact that he would NOT tell Riku or Sora, thank god. Axel's really nice. I hope I don't get him sick.


	20. PAGE20f

It's the end of the week and I'm finally feeling better. I guess throwing up was good, because I started to feel better little by little afterwards. And I slept for a long time last night. Anyway school was the usual. Dull and boring (with very few exceptions). When I got to my literature class, my teacher asked if I was okay and when I said yes he said he heard I threw up in art yesterday. I was a lot upset by this, but he told me not to be because he hadn't heard from a student, but through the teachers. It's always nice to know that I can count on my teachers to gossip just as much as my classmates. He laughed when I told him that. OH I also showed him my tattoos when class was over. He smiled at told me he liked them and pointed out that fact that we matched now. I'm glad he likes them. During lunch, for the first time in a long time, Riku was occupied. As soon as we sat down to eat, a girl lured him away. Sora called him a slut and asked if it upset me that my boyfriend was like that. I decided not to really say anything since Sora was already in a bitchy mood. When lunch was over I was too afraid to go to art (we had eaten in the cafeteria today because I didn't want to show my face around the art room). Axel laughed at me and told me not to worry since the class was full of upperclassmen who didn't know me. Most of them were shy girls, so they wouldn't bother saying anything more than, "are you okay?" I guess he was right because when I went it, no one said anything at all. Well, aside from that stupid desk-shaking kid. All he did was say he was sorry, but just seeing him made me want to punch him in the face (not like I would because he'd probably end up being another kid Riku would have to beat up because I can't stand up for myself). I guess that's it for today, book. See you tomorrow (maybe. If I do anything worth writing about).


	21. PAGE21s

I wasn't going to write in you today book, since I didn't do anything really. But then I remembered that I would tell you about Riku being a man whore and all. I'm not going to sugar coat things, so if I sound harsh, please understand that it's the simple truth. Riku's proud of it anyway, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind. During my last year in junior high, Riku stopped hanging out with me for a while. He had just started high school so I figured he made new high school friends, but I later realized he was just playing around. He used to go out with multiple girls –one a night. At some point, I'm not sure how it happened; he started doing the same with boys. One night he would go out with a girl, do it with her, and the very next morning, he'd already be making plans for a date with someone else that evening. This one time, I was with Riku in the library, and a girl (who was even older than Riku) walked up to us, leaned across the table, and smiled at Riku. As if he could read her mind, he smiled back and took her hand, leading her to the back of the library where no one ever went. The same day, this boy came up to us after school and dragged Riku into the boy's bathroom by the belt loop. Somehow all these guys and girls he does it with know about each other, and manage not to get mad or even care at all. When I started this school year, I wouldn't be able to walk around school with Riku without him semi-making out with every fourth person we passed. Now days he stops asking people out, but he almost never says no when someone he approves of does the asking. He's a prick though. He only goes for small, skinny, cute girls or small, skinny, cute boys that look like girls. Once, when Riku and I were in the cafeteria getting lunch, this girl asked Riku to 'keep her company' for the night, he stared at her blankly for all of thirty seconds before telling her she was fat. She ran away crying, but Riku wasn't fazed at all. He's pretty heartless when it comes to lovers I guess. But he's a really good friend, book, don't get me wrong. He'd do anything for his friends. He beat up several thousands of people for me since primary school. He's a good guy. And a dick at the same time.


	22. PAGE22m

I'm all, completely, one hundred percent better. I don't even feel like I used to be sick at all. But I guess that always happens. I mean you don't go around thinking, 'huh, I feel like I was sick yesterday.' Anyway, about today. This morning, on my way to school, I ran into Axel again. He was driving that gorgeous red car of his. He brought it over with him from America. You know? There's nothing weirder than sitting in the right-hand side of a car and not be driving it. Sora got a little upset when he saw me getting out of Axel's car this morning. During class, he passed me a note asking if I fucked his boyfriend and spent the night (therefore receiving a ride to school). I wrote back that I hadn't and that he needed to stop being so dramatic. I don't know what he wrote back because the teacher intercepted and got hold of the note. He read the first part of the conversation to the class, but stopped when he got to whatever Sora had written. Then he gave us detention. During lunch, Sora told Riku and Axel I had gotten him in trouble. I didn't say anything since I didn't want Axel finding out we were talking about me having sex with him. I don't know why I really care, I mean it's not like I should. I just get too worked up around him. After school me and Sora served our detention, and then hung out for the first time since before Axel transferred in. We went to this restaurant we always used to go to in junior high (when I wasn't busy hanging with Riku). For the first time in a long time, we didn't argue. We didn't fight or get mad. We actually had a pretty good time. Like normal friends should. We talked about school and stupid girls and Riku's being a slutty hoe. Then he brought up Axel and I suddenly didn't want to hear any of it. I pretended to be interested for a little while (all of thirty seconds), before making my phone go off. I pretended to get an important call from my guardian, then left. I don't know what's going on with me today. I'll probably be fine tomorrow. It's probably a little post-sickn weirdness.


	23. PAGE23t

I saved today's page just for lunch (haha it sounds like I'm going to eat it). The rest of the day was very drab and full of a whole lot of nothing compared to lunch. When lunch had just started Axel and I were waiting for Riku and Sora to get to the art room. My stomach was really uneasy and no, it was not because I was not eating. I don't know how to explain it. Kind of like the first few weeks of school, whenever I would see my lit teacher or whenever he would talk to me. Nervousness. Axel was talking to me about school in America. He says high school is free and required. That's cool since I had to pay to go. When Riku showed up he was looking at me funny. I must have done or said something weird. I was just going to ask, but Sora walked in ranting about this 'stupid bitch' who, apparently, knocked his lunch tray from his hands. For no reason. Which is probably a lie. He probably did something to piss off said bitch. Nonetheless, Axel gave him some of his food before pulling Sora into his lap. I must have been staring or something because Riku cleared his throat in the most obvious of ways to grab my attention. He made a face and rolled his eyes at me. To that I had just rolled my eyes back at him. At some point, Axel was whispering in Sora's ear. He has his eyes closed with the faintest ghost of a smile on his lips and Sora was giggling. I wish I hadn't been staring because when Axel opened his eyes, he was looking directly at me. And when he smirked I know I probably blushed like a fricken girl. When I looked to Riku, he was laughing at me. sorry for the short page and all book, but… I'm a little confused about things and I need time to think.


	24. PAGE24h

Good morning book. If you're wondering why you're hearing from me so early today, it's because I'm going to try something a little different today and maybe tomorrow. I'm going to be writing things down as they happen. It might not work out as well as I think it will, but oh well. We'll see. Right now, I'm on the bus to school. I was sitting up until the beginning of the sentence before this because I had to give up my seat to a pregnant lady. Now its recess. Sora's bugging me about Axel not being in school because he's sick or something (likely my fault). He wants me to go with him to see Axel after school. I don't want to. Lunch is a lot better without Sora. I'm eating with Riku and, since Sora hates Riku, the brunette is nowhere to be found. Usually, Sora would eat in the cafeteria and Riku and I used to eat in the chem. teacher's class. Ever since Axel got here, Riku started eating with him in the art room. Now we're back in our original places since Axel isn't here to bring us all together. I like it better this way (aside from Axel's absence). Its art now and Axel's not here. I didn't realize how used to his company I had gotten. It's really boring now without him (even though talking to him gets awkward for me now days). I guess I'll just sleep like I always used to do. Right now I'm pretending to be writing my project idea down so that I don't forget it. Or that's what I told Sora so that he wouldn't be curious about me writing as we walked. We're on our way to Axel's house, which is actually pretty close to my own. Now Sora is whispering random lovey things to Axel. Or maybe it's not lovey things. It might not be things at all. All I know is that Sora has his face right by Axel's and I'm standing in the doorway, trying to ignore the situation unfolding in front of me. Now they're kissing. I really wonder how it got to this in such little time. It honestly looks like they're going to start stripping and just have each other right in front of me. Axel's mom is really nice. I walked out of Axel's room five minutes ago since the situation had gone from Axel lying sick in bed with Sora leaning over him to Axel lying sick in bed heavily making out with Sora straddling his waist in a matter of minutes. I found my way into the kitchen where I met his mother. She doesn't speak much Japanese (anymore. She says she used to be really good when she lived here before) which is okay since I learned English from my grandfather when I was little.


	25. PAGE25h

Oh really quick I want to explain Axel's family. Axel's mom and dad met in America, but his mother used to live here when she was in high school. She used to date Riku's father. After high school, she moved to America and met her husband, got married, and had a baby (around the same time, Riku was born too. Riku's parents are four years older than my mother, so my mom was 15 and his was 19 at the time. I was born a year later). Anyway, when Axel turned 16, his father cheated and the two got a divorce and his mother moved back here to live with her sister since she couldn't afford to live on her own (Axel learned how to speak Japanese from his grandmother on his mother's side when he was in middle school). Her sister had stayed in touch with Riku's father and told Axel's mother to send Axel to our school so that at least he'd somewhat know someone. So book, if I were to connect the three of us through our parents, it would be sort of like this: Axel's mom dated Riku's father who married Riku's mother, whose sister was my mother's friend. By the way, it's still Thursday if you were at all speculating. Thankfully enough, Sora and Axel didn't have sex while I was one room away. 'Thankfully,' because I don't need to hear my friends having sex. Not for any other reason. I mean it. I don't care if they do it. Really. Just not when I'm around. I'm finally at home now. Today seemed really long. Today was your first day to my school. I hope it wasn't as boring for you as it was for me. Tomorrow I'll bring you with me again. Every once in a while I'll write this way. I think it's interesting. Other people might not, but I don't care since you're my book. Besides no one else is going to be reading you anyways.


	26. PAGE26f

Gooooooood morning, book. I actually woke up with enough time to make breakfast this morning, but before I could eat it, I somehow managed to drop it in the sink because I'm stupid. Whatever. I really don't want to go to school today, but I will! Recess just ended. I'm in my lit teacher's class room. I love this room. The setup is really odd. All the other classes have desks facing the teacher's desk at the front of the room, but his class has the teacher's desk in the middle with all the student desks facing the center of the room. In the corner of the room, there's an office. That is where I go to sleep (because I always stay up late playing video games). In fact, I'm in it right now. I almost told my lit teacher about you, but I got scared because I didn't want him to ask to read you. You're actually a lot more personal than I intended. I'm going to go to sleep now. Today I decided to eat lunch with my lit teacher in his class since I don't want to chance running into Sora or Axel and have them ask why I left without saying anything yesterday. My teacher's really cool though. He's only twenty two and he's super cute. A lot of the girls like him since he's attractive and charming. I guess they're right. I think I was making a face when I wrote that because he just asked what I was doing. I'm going to put you away for now. It turns out Axel isn't here today either. I went to art just to talk to him. Because were friends. That's what friends do, they talk and hang out and stuff. I could have gone to the library with Riku and ditched, but I thought Axel was going to be here. Not that I'm upset that he's not here. I don't really care. It's after school now and I managed to avoid Sora, therefore avoiding going to Axel's house again (nothing against Axel, it was just awkward yesterday). I'm eating dinner now. And playing video games with people via Wi-Fi. I'm so beating their asses. Its late now book, so I'm going to go to sleep. You should too. Good night.


	27. PAGE27s

Today was horrible. If you asked me where I wanted to spend my Sunday, the last place I'd tell you is at Naminé's father's funeral. I really didn't want to go because I hate funerals. I hate how the priest says it's a celebration of someone's life, but that stupid priest didn't grow to know the deceased. He didn't spend time with him. He has no one to miss, so it's easy for him to say anything. Whether you like it or not, it's always going to be: they died. They're gone. Forever. I really can't stand funerals. I've been to enough (my parents and grandparents on both sides). But I wanted to be there for Naminé. I know what it's like to lose a parent. You see book, I didn't tell you, but last week I went to the hospital to visit Naminé's father and to see if she was there because she hadn't been in school all this time. When I got there, the nurses told me he had passed. I wanted to cry. I made my way to Naminé's house right after. He mother didn't want to let me in the house, which was okay because I've snuck into Naminé's room before. She told me when her father's funeral was. She told me she didn't want to go because it would only hurt. She told me that everyone was expecting her to talk about her dad. When I told her I'd go for her she smiled and told me I didn't have to. But I told her I wanted to be there for her. Today when it was her turn to speak, it didn't take to long for her to start crying. Naminé and her father were always very close, but because of her parents' divorce, the two couldn't see each other much. When we were in middle school, Naminé told me that when she was upset she would run away to her father's house and he'd always make her feel better. Today she told me, with tears rolling down her face, that she wouldn't have that anymore. I made her promise to run to me now whenever she needed it. It made her happy, I think. To know that at least someone was still there for her. Naminé has a lot of friends in school, but she's a little secretive and keeps to herself, so I'm not even sure her friends at school know what's going on. I hope that she really will come to me if she needs someone. I hope she'll be okay.


	28. PAGE28m

'You like him don't you?' Those were Riku's first words to me. Naturally, my first instinct was to lie. 'I have no clue what you're talking about,' I told him. He said I did. Of course I did. Axel. That's who he meant. I told Riku that I didn't. He told me to 'cut the crap.' So I did. I told him I didn't know how I felt about Axel. Riku told me to stop lying to myself. I don't know book, I didn't want to talk about Axel. Not really. I know what's going on, of course I do. Doesn't mean I have to admit it. The whole talk really got me thinking about Axel all day and I didn't like it. I could tell that I was blushing or smiling like a stupid girl at the most random of times. My stomach would churn whenever I thought of being close to him. So of course when lunch came around, I made it a point to eat with Naminé so I wouldn't have to see Axel. Then came art. I debated going to my lit teacher's class. He had a class then, but I could have stayed in his office. I made my way all the way to his classroom, but when the bell rang, something was pulling me to the art room. And pulled me it did. Thirteen minutes later, but I was there no less. But then I went and did something stupid. I took the seat at the empty table I used to sit at, put my head down, and waited for the bell to ring. I knew Axel was watching me since I'm pretty sure anyone would be able to feel those bright forest-coloured eyes boring into them. It made me uncomfortable, sure, but sitting with him would make it worse. I didn't really want to talk to him. I mean I did want to talk to him. I like talking to him and all, but I just… couldn't. You know what I mean? No… you probably don't, huh? I can't wait for the school year to be over.


	29. PAGE29t

Alright book, I'll admit it. Riku was right. I think I might like him. Just a little tiny itty bitty bit. I promise I won't be all girly and drabble about how wonderful and amazing and gorgeous Axel is (even though he is). Anyway, today I wasn't going to go to school. Not at all. I didn't want to bother with seeing Riku or Axel or Sora (or anyone at all really). But I'm glad I did. As soon as I got to school Axel stopped me in the parking lot. Like he had been waiting for me to get there. He asked me if I wanted to go hang out afterschool, so I figured, sure why not? But when Sora asked if he could go over to Axel's house, I figured our plans would be cast aside. But I was wrong. Instead of blowing me off, Axel told Sora his mother needed him home as soon as school got out. Sora pouted, of course, but thought nothing of it and let it go. The fact that Axel wanted to hang out with me enough to lie to his boyfriend made me really happy for some reason. So anyway, come the end of the day, Axel and I got into his car and drove over to the mall. It wasn't date status (not that I expected it to be) since all we really did was talk and walk around. We went into this one clothing store and tried on a whole bunch of clothes and took pictures. Then Axel found these checkered pants he told me I should buy since they matched all my shoes. They were skinny-legged (like I like them) and the had the standard five pocket trip with an extra two pockets on the side of the leg (like cargo pants) which was a bonus, since I like pockets. When I told him I had no money on me, he offered to buy them. I told him no. Afterwards, we went to a fast food restaurant and ordered our food in English just to see the looks on the workers' faces when they realized the only girl who had spoken English wasn't working. We apologized to them after, but it was a pretty entertaining three minutes. We talked while we ate and half the time all I could think was how stupid I had been for ever thinking being around Axel was awkward. After three hours, Axel drove me home and walked me to my front door (I would have invited him in, but I didn't want him to ask if it would be okay with the parents I don't have since I never really tell anyone I don't have any). When we said our good byes, Axel handed me a bag, then walked off without a word. You probably saw this coming, but when I got into the house and opened the bag, what do I find? The pants.


	30. PAGE30w

If it weren't for our stupid uniform, I'd have worn the pants today. I didn't even see him buy them. You're probably sick of hearing about them, but it's just so sweet. Ugh I'm starting to sound like a girl. I really hate when I do that. Today in my locker I got a note from Axel. It said: yesterday was fun :) we should hang out again today let me know, locker 108. Let me just tell you one thing, I could NOT stop smiling after that. I think I really might like him. So I wrote up a response saying: it was fun and thanks for my pants. I can hang later, let's talk in art. The mistake I made was sticking it in his locker without fist checking out my surroundings because once the little paper slipped in, Sora said my name. He was right behind me. I turned quickly to ask him what was up, but he ignored me. We wanted to know what I had put into his boyfriend's locker. I smiled and told him it was the art assignment we had that he asked me to remind him about. Then I wanted to punch myself in the face because Sora would probably find Axel and ask him himself. But I got lucky when Axel came around the corner. I asked him, "You told me to give you the art assignment, right?" He without missing a beat, he caught on and agreed. Sora glared at me for a second, then asked Axel to "spend the night" with him. Axel shrugged. He told him he had to work on the 'art assignment' since it was a "big part of our grade" and that tonight wouldn't be good. Anyway, the rest of school isn't so important. The point is, Axel and I did end up hanging out again. This time we went to a mattress store in the mall and competed for who could find the most comfortable bed, the most expensive bed, and the ugliest bed. I won most of them. We ended up getting kicked out before we could find the biggest bed since there were signs everywhere saying DO NOT JUMP ON THE BEDS which was exactly what we were doing. Axel had to stop and buy something at ever vending machine we passed. Really? Who hasn't seen a vending machine? They're everywhere and they're stupid. It's a vending machine, not rocket ship.


	31. PAGE31f

Today, I told Riku about the past few days. I told him about my semi-maybe-sorta-kinda-liking Axel. I told him how Axel and I had been hanging out and how Axel was lying to Sora about what he was doing after school. I told Riku about that pants and the beds and the fast food restaurant. Riku smiled at me. He told me that he thinks Axel likes me, which I don't believe because whenever I see him with Sora, Axel's always really into him. I tell Riku this and he laughs at me. He called me naïve and said Axel only does it because he knows I'm looking. He said that Axel wants to make me jealous. When I made a face, he said that that's probably just how Americans think. Riku told me to keep going out with Axel. I tried to tell him that I wasn't going out with Axel, just hanging out, but Riku said it was the same thing for all anyone cared. I don't really think Axel likes me. I think he sees me as a friend. Because seriously? Why would he like me? There's nothing special about me. Besides, I can't date my friend's boy behind his back. What kind of a friend would I be if I told one friend (Naminé) that I'd always be there for her, then went and back stabbed another friend (Sora)? A shitty friend, that's for sure. I can't pick and choose which ones I'm nice to (even if Sora is a little bitch and Naminé is the sweetest thing in the world). Anyway, Axel and I ended up hanging out today. We went over to his house and played video games. Then his mother asked Axel if we were going out (apparently she doesn't know about Sora). Axel told her we we're just friends and she rolled her eyes and pretended to agree with what he was saying. I'm not really too sure what gave her the idea that we were dating unless Axel told her we had been spending time with each other all week. His mother made us Italian food. It was amazing. They asked if I wanted to stay the night, but I declined (mostly because I randomly remembered that it has been three days since I last fed my fish (did I tell you I have a fish?) and partly because, come time to sleep, I'd get all nervous around Axel). Maybe one day I won't be too scared to say yes.


	32. PAGE32m

Last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams where you have to go to the bathroom and do… business once you wake up. Dear god I hope no one reads this. It was about Axel. In my dream, we were both lying in my bed. Naked. Having sex. It all felt so real and so good. It felt so right and perfect. I could see and feel everything so clearly, the heat, the sweat, the passion. Dream Axel's moaning was turning me on and I feel like I was probably moaning in my sleep. Anyway, when I woke up and had to… well… you know, I actually came to the thought of Axel screwing me. I've never in my life had a dream about doing it with someone and I'm still freaking out about it. When I went to school today I couldn't even look at Axel. When Riku asked why I was freaking out so much, I told him about my dream (yes, we tell each other everything). I expected him to laugh, but he didn't. He told me, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but the other day Axel told me he wanted to fuck you." I don't believe him, of course. I know he's just messing with me because when I asked if he was serious, he laughed and walked away. During art, I told Axel I wasn't feeling to well and I kept my head down the whole time. I was lucky that Axel had plans with Sora so there was no way I would have to make up a reason to not hang out with him. It was just weird, book. I feel like I'll never be able to talk to him ever again, but… I hope things just blow over quickly.


	33. PAGE33t

I was okay today. I went to school thinking I would have to avoid Axel, but getting a small note folded up like a tiny boat in my locker from Axel (just talking about how boring his first class was) was enough to slap me back to reality. Again, he asked me to hang out after school. Apparently there was some new movie he wanted to see really badly (I don't know why he didn't just ask his boyfriend). I agreed anyway. During lunch, Sora was bitching to Axel about how they never go out. Axel pointed out the fact that they had just gone out the day before. Then Sora asked about the days before. Riku smiled to that and Sora somehow understood completely. He shot a look at me, glaring. "Roxas? You spent our time together with Roxas?" He asked like I was the worst possible choice! What a jerk. Then Sora demanded Axel go out with him after school. No exceptions, no excuses. Whatever. I didn't care. It's not like my hopes just plummeted to the ground, taking all my happiness with it. I didn't care one bit. Which wasn't true, because during art I felt like crap. Once Sora and Riku were gone and I had the time to let it sink in, I was hurt. Not that I should have been. It's not like Axel blew me off. It's just that his needy boyfriend required all of his attention at all possible moments. I think Axel could sense my low-rider atmosphere because when the bell rang, he grabbed my hand and lead me to the parking lot. We ditched the last class of the day and went to watch the movie he wanted to see. When the movie was done, Axel called Sora and told him a teacher held him up and that he'd meet him at Sora's house. Axel took me home, and then went to his boyfriend's. So, as far as Sora knows, Axel and I never went behind Sora's back to hang out with each other. I'll admit, I'm a little worried this (going behind Sora's back to spend time with Axel whom I have a crush on) is going to become a regular thing (only because it isn't right for me to sneak around with someone's boyfriend), but I can't help but love the fact that I've gotten to spend so much time with him.


	34. PAGE34h

Hi book. Today I decided not to go to school and I got five phone calls for it. The first was from Riku. He's always the first to call. He called to ask if I was okay and to tell me he'd come over to check up on me after school. The next was from Sora, two hours later. He pretended to call about caring that I was sick, but what he really wanted to do was cause drama. He told me he'd seen Riku making out with someone and I just laughed (guess I forgot to tell him we're not dating). The third phone call came from my literature teacher. Okay let me stop here real fast. You probably think this is weird don't you, book? I could lie to you and tell you I'm actually really good friends with my teacher and he somehow got my number just to make sure I was okay, but I'm going to be real with you. I've never told anyone this. Not even Riku. I may have kind of dated him. Just a little. I hope you didn't think I was a good kid, cause I'm really not. I mean I have piercings in places most normal boys wouldn't. Besides, it wasn't even real dating since we never went out. We just snuck kisses every once in a while. It didn't last longer than a month, I swear. Okay, so maybe we did it once or twice too. Maybe I'll tell you about it. Maybe. Probably not. It's really not that important. Well anyway, he called to make sure I wasn't sick and to give me the homework and to ask if he should come over and bring anything. I told him no and that was that. The call that came next was Axel's. I don't remember ever giving him my number. Anyway, he called to say how dare I leave him in art alone. So we talked through art like we do every day (just on a phone and not in person). The last call came from my guardian. She wanted to know if I was sick and if I needed to go to the doctor because the school called her. She may be a pain and I may hate her, but she's still in charge of me. When I told her I ditched, she got mad and hung up. For what it matters, I did spend the day doing the homework and projects I was neglecting, so that was good. And when Riku came over we made curry, but we kept adding too much of one thing, so we had to add more of other things to balance it out and ended up with enough to feed ten people. We made bento boxes for Sora and Axel since I told him there was no way I'd eat that much curry. And that, book, is how I spent my Thursday.


	35. PAGE35f

Friday once again. Today was semi-boring, book. I think my teachers planned a school-wide-teacher-ditch day because half of my classes had substitute teachers. With subs we usually just sit there in class and be bored. Riku and I snuck out of some classes and we just hung out in the library (the librarian's my neighbor, so he doesn't care that I go without a pass). During lunch we all ate the curry Riku and I had made last night. Sora bitched that it was too spicy, but Axel liked it so I guess that's all that really matters. During the last two periods, Axel and I stayed in the art room and, believe it or not, we did art. No joke, we did art in art class for once. We taped a huge sheet of old canvas the teacher was going to throw out onto the wall and just started painting. It was really cool because we didn't say anything to each other, but we both knew exactly what to do. We made a sunset scene with the silhouette of a tower in front. He said he was going to take it home once it dries to hang on his wall. When I asked why in the world he would want to do that, he said that it was because _I_ helped make it and it would remind him of me. After school, Axel had to go out with Sora, which was okay since me and Riku had already made plans to go to the park at the end of town and cardboard-box our ways down the hills. Since you don't know what that is, book, I'll gladly explain. There used to be this huge landfill when I was a baby. It was HUGE. And instead of letting all the trash build up and rot, they clumped it together in large mounds and packed dirt over the hills. Over the years, they got grass to grow over them and it turned into a park where people have picnics and things. When Riku and I were little, my mother took us and she put us on sheets of cardboard and we would race down the hills. I know it probably sounds childish, but doing it is one of our earliest memories so we make it a point to go there every once in a while. Maybe one day I'll take Axel there.


	36. PAGE36a

Good afternoon book. Today I have done nothing and have no plans to do anything. I decided that I would use today's page to tell you about what happened to my parents. I've said before that my parents are a year apart, my mother 16 and my father17 when I was born. When they died, I was six. It was my mother's twenty-third birthday (just days before my seventh). Papa had taken her out to dinner. My grandparents gave them money to stay at a hotel so they could relax for the weekend (they offered to watch me). But I was little and I had never spent a night without my parents in my life. What I did next was selfish and the biggest mistake of my life, but I hadn't known at the time. I called them home. I waited for my grandparents to go to sleep and then dialed the hotel number scribbled on a note pad by the phone. When my father answered, I told him I missed them and that I didn't want them to be gone. He reassured me that they'd be back before I knew it, but I threw a fit. I cried and begged until they decided to come get me (they were going to go right back to the hotel once I was with them). But they never came. I waited in the living room of my grandparent's house all night. When I woke up the next morning, my grandma was crying and my grandfather had his arms around her. I had no clue what had happened and I just figured that my parents lied about coming to get me so that I would stop crying. But then grandpa said my parents weren't coming back. He told me they were sleeping and that they could never come back for me. So I lived with my grandparents (dad's parents). When I was nine, my grandmother passed and two years later, so did her husband. That's when I was given the house I was raised in (the house my mother's parents bought her when I was born) and the bank accounts my parents and grandparents (on both sides) left behind. That's also when I met my guardian. She never lived with me (can you imagine? Eleven years old and all alone because the woman who was supposed to take care of you hates you), but until I was thirteen, she came over every morning to make sure I got to school and every afternoon till dinner. After that we had this unwritten law that she'd only come when she was needed (or I did something ridiculously outrageous). For about


	37. PAGE37a

half a year (thirteen to thirteen and a half) Riku (fourteen at the time) moved in with me. I never knew quite the reason why he moved in or out and I never bothered to ask. Since then I've lived completely alone with my guardian only coming every one and half to two weeks to drop off groceries and make sure I'm still alive. Anyway… I guess I should tell you what happened to my parents. I later found out that, on their way to get me, my parents were killed. So, yes. I blame myself. They had gotten into their car and, before they could even start it, a man with a gun told my father to get out of the car. The police don't know whether or not my father refused, but they had found his body lying in the parking lot with three bullets in his chest. Then came my mother. So the man stole the car with my mama still inside. "Witnesses said she tried to exit the moving car," one of the officers had told me, but she wasn't very lucky. She was driven somewhere secluded, raped and stabbed to death. They found her body three blocks away from the hotel. My father's car was recovered along with their murderer a week later. The story was on the news for weeks, but their names were never released. So the only (living) people who really know that it was my parents are Riku (who I told the moment I found out the whole story), the bank teller (who was my mother's close friend), my stupid guardian (who likes to use my dead parents against me), and my literary teacher (who I once told in a fit of frustration). Sure, all my teachers know I don't have parents, but the school doesn't need to know why. Most of my friends don't even know since I never bring it up and they never come over. I don't want the whole world to know. Oh… look book. I got you wet. I'm sorry. I thought I'd actually be able to tell this story without getting too emotional on you.


	38. PAGE38s

Today's I'm doing things backwards. Instead of going through my day and tell you what happened, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen before I do it. Today, I'm going to watch the rest of that movie I started last night. It's about this guy who gets buried alive and he's waiting for people to get him out or whatever. Then I'm going to change into the pants Axel's bought me and whatever random shirt I have lying around. I'm going to go to take the bus to the train station. Once I'm off the train, I'll make my way down to the bank; get some money and (possibly) whatever the lady who works there has to offer. Then, I'll go to the grocery store, buy foods and whatnots. I'll probably try to get that new game that came out. It's the prequel to the game I always play. I've been waiting for it to come out for months! Being at the video game store will probably also force me to buy other games too, but that one is at the top of my list. At some point during the day, I want to go eat sea salt ice cream. I feel lousy today and it always cheers me up. I'll have to do that after taking the train back to this side of town, since I don't know where to find some over there. Then I'll come home and either play games or go to sleep. I'll save the rest of the page for any unexpected changes or additions to my day… It's the end of the day and I'm home, safe and sound. The only unplanned feature of my day was the running into Axel at the mall when I was on my way to get ice cream. He said he was meeting Sora, but walked with me to the café anyway. He said he was happy I was wearing the pants. When I asked him about what would happen when Sora showed up and Axel wasn't there, he shrugged it off like it didn't really matter. It kind of made me happy. He keeps getting my hopes up. He keeps on making me think that he likes me more than his boyfriend or that I actually have a chance with him. There are lots of times I think he might actually like me in THAT way, however then I tell myself that it isn't possible. But secretly, my mind tells me that I'm lying to myself and that I already KNOW he likes me. I don't know what to believe.


	39. PAGE39m

For every hope I have about Axel, there's something to cancel it out. Today I'll list them for you here. I really think he likes me (but he has a boyfriend so it isn't possible). He lies to Sora to spend time with me (but I always catch him and Sora full on making out). Whenever he does notice me watching them kiss, he looks at me as if he's just doing it to make me jealous or something (but he doesn't even know I like him, so why would he try?). I feel like he's always giving me special treatment (but maybe it's only because I don't get to really see how he treats other people). He does stuff for me and gives me things all the time for no reason whatsoever (but maybe Americans are just nice like that?). He always slips notes in my locker just to say hi (but, again, for all I know he could do that to everyone). Sometimes he just says things that hint a liking beyond friendship (but he says much more romantic things to Sora). The other day he texted me that he missed me (but if he really meant it, it would have come with a 'could you meet me somewhere' or something). We've secretly hung out and ditched school together multiple times and our outings are slowly becoming much more date like (but then he and Sora could be sleeping together). Today he asked what I thought it would be like if we were together which obviously means he thought about it too (but he's with Sora and if he really meant it, he'd break up with him). After he asked me that he told me not to answer because he didn't think he'd like my answer and then kissed me on the cheek (but I bet he kisses Sora EVERYWHERE). I don't know book… he's hard for me to read. I kind of think he likes me. But then I tell myself that I'm being conceited and that good things like that just don't happen to me. But THEN I tell myself I'm probably just saying that because I don't want to seem conceited by thinking he likes me. Then I just get confused. No matter what I do though, I can't stop thinking about him and I hate it!


	40. PAGE40t

School wasn't important today. It was normal and boring just like every day. After school, Naminé asked to hang out with me. I was kind of hoping that Axel would ask to do something, but he never did. I guess he and Sora had better things to do. Anyway, that aside, Naminé and I went to this department store a few blocks away from the school to look for a book bag. Naminé told me that during lunch, her bag had fallen apart and all of her things fell out. I thought it was a little random for bags to be breaking, but she said there had been a hole that she was neglecting and that the seams were lose since the bag was a few years old so I guess it was bound to happen. The store we went to has six floors. The first floor is actually an arcade (we spent a lot of time (and money) on this floor). The second floor sells cheap generic clothes, toys, and toiletries. On the third floor, you can find kitchen wears and cleaning supplies. The floor above has electronics of all sorts (some things I was wondering how they fit them into the store or how they were planning on getting them out if someone ever bought them). Floor five was the floor we needed: office and school supplies. We went in looking for a bag, but I tell you it's near impossible to leave without buying a million things. We bought pens and pencils and food-shaped erasers. Naminé bought herself an uncountable amount of art supplies. She ended up finding this really colourful bag with all sorts of key chains and dangly things on it. I told her that now I'd always know when she's near because I'd be able to hear her bag. The rooftop floor has small food counters and vending machines. We each got ice cream and just sort of hung out and talked on the top floor. I was really glad to see her so happy. She didn't look sad at all and didn't mention her father once. I'm glad she's coping well and that things are going good for her.


	41. PAGE41w

Hi book. It's Wednesday. Today was… actually I don't have a word to describe today. This afternoon, when school got out, Sora proposed he and Axel 'double date' with Riku and I. Yeah. I _still_ forgot to tell him we weren't actually going out. I tried to tell him, really I did, but Riku grabbed me round the waist and gave Sora a: 'we'd love to.' First we went to a movie. It was weird. Riku had his hands all over me. I'm pretty used to it, because we play (and by play around I mean pretend to be together to mess with little old ladies and their cute innocent grandchildren) around like that all the time. I think he just likes playing parts. Well actually, I _know_ he like playing parts (since he's a drama kid after all). At some point I started playing along, because his fake omg-i-love-my-boyfriend-so-much-that-i-want-to-rip-his-clothes-off-and-have-him-right-now attitude was semi-contagious. Sora thought it was 'cute,' but I think Axel was a bit annoyed because when I went to the bathroom halfway throughout the movie, Axel showed up twenty seconds later. He said that he thought I told him Riku and I weren't really going out. He asked why we had to be all over each other. I knew he was jealous or something like that. So I told him it shouldn't matter to him since he was dating Sora. After the movie, we went to eat at this diner across the street from the theater. At this point, Riku and I had gotten a little bored with the whole boyfriend thing, so he just casually kept an arm around me. I could tell Axel was a little more relaxed with the loss of most contact, but he was still moderately annoyed (now I'm _really_ starting to think that he likes me). At the end of the night, Sora got picked up and Riku had gone home on his own since they both live in the opposite direction from Axel and I. When we got to my house, Axel asked if Riku and I really were going out. I asked him if he was jealous. I didn't wait for an answer. I told him he shouldn't be since he already had a boyfriend and I was going to say something else, but I didn't get the chance to because Axel pulled on my collar and force-kissed me. And now book… I don't really know what to say about that.


	42. PAGE42h

Thursday. It's a new month once again. Axel avoided me all day today. During lunch, he took Sora to eat on the field semi-picnic style. Sora thought of it as cute, but I knew he just didn't want to talk to me. Within that time, I told Riku about what had happened. He told me he told me so (this sentence sounds weird). Come the end of lunch and time to go to art class, Axel never showed. I guess he and Sora ran off the do the unmentionables after lunch period, which was okay since I was tired anyway. After school, I stuck a ripped-off corner of a folder paper into Axel's locker. It didn't say anything. It just had a drawing of whale that was (I guess) jumping over the sun (yeah, I don't even know what I was doing). If anything I wanted him to see it and smile or laugh and know that I'm not mad at him (if that's what he's thinking). Maybe tomorrow things will be normal again. I kinda really want to talk to him about what happened, but I can tell that he doesn't wanna talk about it. Anyway, after school I ran into Sora on my way to the bus stop (I guess they either did it on campus or actually came back to school (oh my _God_ why do I keep thinking about them having sex?)) and he told me to hang out with him since we haven't in a while. I decided why not since I had nothing better to do. I actually had a normal time with Sora. In fact, we had fun. He wasn't a brat or anything along those lines. We just talked and joked and laughed. Any random passer-by would have thought that we were best friends. I know I talk down on Sora to you all the time, but please don't get me wrong. He is my friend. He's annoying as hell and there are times when I want to shoot myself just so I don't have to deal with him, but we are friends. I mean, I could live without him. The world wouldn't end if he decided to permanently hate me (which isn't possible because I'm his best friend). I'm not saying that I want him to hate me; just that life wouldn't stop if he did. I like having him as a friend (sometimes). When you catch him at the right times, he's a good friend.


	43. PAGE43f

Let's just jump straight into things. Axel's starting to get on my nerves. This whole ignoring and avoiding thing is starting to get old. I saw him this morning and I said hi and what does he do? Walk right past me as if I weren't even there. During lunch, I made it a point to find him, but the moment he saw me, he started making out with Sora. Before I went to the art room during lunch, I shoved a folded paper indo Axel's locker. The note read: what the hell? Sora and Axel were there at lunch this time, but Axel didn't say much. Sora was talking about I don't even know what the whole time and Axel made it a point to pay lots of attention to his food. I didn't even bother staying for art. When the bell rang and Axel took a seat at our usual table, I headed for the door with Riku and Sora. Axel called out to me asking where I was going. This time, it was my turn to do the ignoring. I didn't say anything at all. I went to my lit teacher's class. He had his class do 'silent reading' since he could tell I was annoyed. He asked me what was up. So I told him. I told him about my liking Axel and the kiss and him ignoring me. He said to me that I have two options. Either wait it out or take matters into my own hands. When I asked what he meant by the latter of the two, he told me to pull Axel on the side and ask him what was up and where we stand now. I don't know I'll even be able to get him to listen to me. But then again, he did ask where I was going after lunch. Maybe he wanted to talk to me during art and I blew it. But if he wanted to talk so badly, then he shouldn't have ignored me in the first place, right? This is just infuriating. What kind of person dates someone, kisses their friend behind their back, then acts like they never did anything (and pretend the person hey kissed isn't even there)? I'll tell you what kind of a person, an indecent, vexatious, spineless person. I'm so annoyed, book! Sometimes, I wish I could have your life. No worries and completely carefree. You're lucky.


	44. PAGE44a

Hi book. It's the weekend and I'm alone again. I tried playing video games earlier, but I really just could pay much attention. I wasn't feeling it. I called Riku to hang out, but his mother told me he was out. Then I remembered the girl who asked him to spend the night yesterday. Anyway I thought I'd use this page to talk to you about your purpose. If you can remember back far enough, I had said I wanted to use you as a daily practice for my writing skills, but I never really got into _why._ I feel like I am a decent writer and that my skills are moderate. My literary teacher once told me that I was brilliant (I'm guessing for my age, because I don't think I'm really _that_ good) and that if I spent enough time on it, I'd be an amazing author. I'd love if that could one day happen. You see book, I want to become a writer for my parents. I wanted to become good enough to rewrite their story. To have them meet under less stressful and more romantic circumstances and to let them actually be in love, not be forced to stay together because of one night of heated passion. I want to finish their story for them. I want to give them the rest of their twenties and all the decades to follow until they're old and accomplished. I want to give them an end that's less abrupt and more natural. I don't want to write them a biography; I want to give them a new life. I realize, of course, that it would be a boring book because I doubt there would really be a plot. It would be the story of two people falling in love and spending the rest of their lives together. It might not even sell, but I'm okay with that. Heck, it doesn't even have to publish. I can write other stories, of course, but theirs would be for me. So that, after all they've given to me, I can give something back to them. That's why practice is so crucial to me. I don't want to create a mediocre story; I want their life to be my masterpiece.


	45. PAGE45m

Hey book. Today when I got to school Axel tried talking to me as if he had never been ignoring me at all. I swear that guy drives me insane. First he makes me fall for him, then he kisses me, then he ignores me, and now he's acting like nothing happened at all! I mean really? Is he having fun? Does he think it's funny? Am I just something to amuse him? So anyway, I ignored him. In fact, I made it obvious that I was trying to get away from him (by nearly running when he called my name or ducking into classrooms that weren't even my own). After recess, I got a note in my locker that said: sorry. Just sorry. Nothing else. Ugh I hate him sometimes! So I went to his locker (which made me late to class) and slid in my own note. Mine read: shut up. Right before lunch, when I went to my locker again I found a bunch of notes. After. Don't. Meet. School. Be. Sorry. Mad. Now they either could have been telling me: don't meet after school be mad sorry, or: sorry don't be mad meet after school. I decided it would have been the latter of the two, but I was mad and I kind of didn't want to waste any of my time on him. So I shoved every note back into his own locker along with a few of my own. I added in: you. I. To. Want. Am. Should. I. (hopefully it would be read as: you should be sorry, I am mad, I don't want to meet after school) I went back to my lit teacher's room to eat lunch. I made the mistake of going to art class. I made sure to sit far away from Axel, but he moved to sit next to me. He slid me a long line of post-it notes tapped together. This is what they said, 'I'm really sorry. Please don't be mad. I want to make it up to you. Come with me after school?' I tried really hard not to smile, but I did. I don't think he noticed though. But I wasn't done being mad yet, so I took the papers, crumpled them up, and threw them away without a word. When I looked back at Axel, his face looked a little hurt, but mostly blank. Then he grabbed my chin, turned my face, and kissed me on the cheek. Then I got really mad. The reason any of this was happening was because of a kiss. And he had just gone and done it again. So I got up and


	46. PAGE46m

left the room. My teacher didn't seem to care (he never really cares). I'm glad he didn't stop me from leaving, but I wish he had stopped Axel from going after me. I just wanted to go home. Riku likes to always conveniently place himself in certain places at the perfect time. So, no doubt about it, there he was. He was kind of just sitting around, waiting for the period to end. I really wanted Axel to leave me alone, so I walked right up to Riku and, before he could even say anything, I kissed him. Riku didn't miss a beat. He caught on immediately and kissed me back. I figured since Axel already semi-thought that Riku and I were together, and then maybe this would get him to go away. But I was completely wrong, book. Axel grabbed me by the wrist, pulling me away from Riku. Riku didn't really do anything. He just smirked up at Axel and watched as I was dragged off to the parking lot. Axel told me to get into his car and, since he sounded so damn pissed, I listened without hesitation. We drove to this park only just off campus and he didn't say anything for a long time. He looked like he was trying to figure out what he needed to say and what he needed to make sure he didn't say. Then he turned to me and apologized. He said that he was sorry for kissing me with no explanation and for ignoring me. When I asked him why he did it he didn't answer right away. Eventually, he said that it was kind of just compulsive and that he didn't mean anything by it. Then he asked if Riku and I were really going out and since I was upset at the answer he had given to me I gave him a, 'what do you think?' that easily could have been read as a, 'no shit we are.' Then I asked him if he was happy with Sora and he just shrugged. He apologized again and asked me if we were still friends. I didn't want to answer so I returned his question with an emphasis on the 'are.' He said yes and I just sort of shrugged it off. I don't really know how to end arguments and make up with people. Then he took me home and told me that he wanted to hang out after school tomorrow. I told him no. He said too bad.


	47. PAGE47t

Hi book. How are you? I spent all of today in my literary teacher's classroom. I was hoping to get Axel to think that I hadn't gone to school so that I wouldn't have to go anywhere with him. I just thought it would be awkward since we had just spent the last week on not-so-friendly terms. Somehow, he showed up in the classroom at the end of the day. My teacher kind of just laughed at me because he had told me earlier that I wouldn't be able to avoid a 'don't' and all day I had been saying to myself that: I don't want to see Axel. Whatever. So Axel found my hiding spot even though there was no possible way that he could (aside from Riku (that dick)). Anyway, he took me to the mall like usual. And we walked around and did the things we usually do. And slowly I sort of let go of the fact that I was mad. And slowly I remembered why I liked him so much. Eventually it was like nothing had happened at all. We were hanging out at talking the same way we would have done two weeks ago (before the whole kiss thing). Yeah, I'm still upset since he said that the kiss was compulsive and that it didn't mean anything. I wasn't very mad about the kiss in the first place, I was madder that he kissed me with no explanation. And then he ignored me with no explanation. He made me think that he liked me. First by kissing me (which is what you do when you like someone) and then by ignoring me (I thought that maybe he was embarrassed to talk to me or afraid that I would reject him). But it ended up being meaningless. I guess he really is happy with Sora. There's no room for me. You know, book? I wish my life would just be plain and boring instead of tragic and confusing. Whatever. Maybe I really should just go out with Riku. What do you think? (I wish you really would tell me what you thought…)


	48. PAGE48w

Today, book, I didn't want to go to school. I just felt like there was something weighing me down. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, but I still dragged my ass outta bed and into my uniform. When I left my house, it was dark. That's when I realized it was four thirty in the morning and that staying in bed had nothing to do with the fact that I didn't want to be anywhere, but everything to do with the fact that I was probably just damn tired. I had already gotten ready though. I had already changed my clothes, done my hair, and eaten breakfast, so I wasn't about to go back to sleep. So listed my options: 1) play videogames, 2) do the homework I decided not to do yesterday, or 3) go to school and wait until the sun rose and school started. I reviewed my list and decided to nix 2 and 3 since they were both plain stupid. That left me with one. I probably purposely made the other options impossible just so I could play videogames. Half way to my living room I remembered the second reason I hadn't wanted to go to school: today is a holiday. Or maybe not a holiday, but it's a no-school day. Yeah, you could imagine I felt really stupid at that moment. I went back to my bedroom to change out of my school clothes, then to the living room to play games. I only managed to play for what felt like an hour before there was a knock on the door. My first thought was going to be 'why in the world would anyone come to my house at a quarter to six,' but my clock explained with bright red numbers that it was already noon. I went to the door already knowing it was my guardian, so when I got there I asked what she wanted. Then I heard Riku's voice and for the one millionth time today, I had been wrong. I figured he wanted to hang out or something, so I opened the door despite what I was wearing (or I should say what I wasn't). Then I realized I made a big mistake. Because Axel was there with him, staring at me with my no-shirt, no-pants combination. Checkered boxers and a videogame headset were not the best thing to be caught wearing by someone you had a crush on. That's when Riku


	49. PAGE49w

started laughing. He laughed so hard, he had to use Axel as a support to hold him up. I was pissed. As in an I'm-going-to-kill-him kind of pissed. I slammed the door in their faces, returned to my couch, and resumed my game. Riku started yelling into the house telling me to let him in and when I turned the volume up he yelled to remind me he had a spare key. I smiled at that since he didn't. He used to just like my guardian used to. It got quiet outside, then suddenly he was in my living room, walking towards the front door to let Axel in. He told me to lock my windows when I was home alone because 'a cute kid like me might get raped for wearing so much nothing.' Then he grabbed one of my spare controllers and sat next to me, joining my game. He said something about going to see a movie or something. He probably realized I was ignoring him because about ten seconds later, he sniped me. And I screamed. I saw both Riku and Axel jump and I could hear the people I was playing with laugh. Let me tell you, book. At that moment I wanted to kill him. I wanted to jump him and gouge his eyes out because not only was I winning, but I was one kill away from beating my personal record. And even worse, he made me act like a freak in front of Axel. I turned my game off and he laughed at me for being a poor sport. Then he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to my room to change so we could all go and hang out. I wanted to decline, but when I remembered it would be an opportunity to spend time with Axel, I complied. I guess today was good. We went out and ate together and we saw a movie. Then we got on the train and went to a part of town Axel had never seen before to give him a tour. There, we bought food and other little things for Axel to send to his friends in America. By the time I got back home, it was midnight. Let me tell you book, it's not fun to be awake for over twenty hours and, so I hope you don't mind me stopping here. I probably won't go to school tomorrow (or today since it already is 'tomorrow'), so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me until the next day.


	50. PAGE50h

Today was not normal. During recess, Axel and I were talking. We were just sitting on the stairs, causing traffic, when all of a sudden Sora comes out of nowhere. He smiled at us but I could see the irritation in his eyes. He asked Axel if he helped his mother with whatever she needed and that's where Axel slipped. He looked up at his boyfriend, slightly confused. And said this, "what?" Really? I mean, seriously? You can't lie one day, then forget about it the next day (he told Sora they couldn't go out yesterday because his mother needed him). It doesn't work like that. So Sora got upset and asked what Axel really did. Before he had time to answer, Sora looked at me and blamed the whole thing one me, saying I made Axel go out with me. Then he grabbed Axel's hand and stormed off. Riku came walking down the stairs laughing. I once told you that he places himself in the right place at the right time. That was a perfect example. During lunch, Riku and I ate separately from Axel and Sora, since Riku said he didn't want to listen to Sora's annoying voice. When art rolled around, Axel explained to me that, somehow, Sora got it in his mind that I was sleeping with his boyfriend. I laughed it off, but Axel had this serious face on. He looked kind of like he was lost in thought, though I don't know at all what he could have been thinking. After a while we just went off topic and started talking about random things (like we do quite often). It's funny how much I know about him now. Like that he can't swim because when he was little, he was afraid of the water so he never had a chance to learn. Or that he doesn't like video games (so damn weird) or TV or anything like that. It's mostly random things. At the end of the day he told me we couldn't hang out because Sora made it a point that Axel _had_ to go with him. I said it was okay. He asked if I wanted to do anything tomorrow. I said no. When he asked why I told him that I wouldn't feel like it tomorrow. Besides… tomorrow makes exactly nine years that I've been without a mother and father.


	51. PAGE51f

Hey book. I don't really know why I'm writing right now. There's not much to say at all. I think I kind of just didn't really want to be alone since I didn't go to school. I don't really know what to say. If you can remember from yesterday, nine years ago, my parents died. Right now, I'm visiting their grave. I guess I can tell you about them a bit more. My mama was beautiful. In high school, a lot of the guys chased after her, but she was never looking for a relationship. She was kind of like that gorgeous girl that could have anyone she wanted, but never wanted anyone. She had long wavy blonde hair and green eyes. She was super nice and everyone always wanted to talk to her and be her friend. She was a good mother too. She always made sure I was happy. She once told me that I was the light of her life. My papa was actually a lot like my mama, beautiful and popular. He had a lot of friends and he already had a girlfriend the night I was conceived (this woman would one day become my guardian). He got along with everyone and never got into fights. His hair was light brown and his eyes were blue. After I was born, he worked as an assistant for this man who owned a bank (this man had a daughter who was a teller who became good friends with my mother) and as an intern at my grandfather's (actually once I turn 20, it will become mine) company (they design and manufacture a lot of really advanced electronic devices and I don't really want anything to do with it, but because my father was so passionate about it, I won't let the position go). Papa didn't get paid too much, but he made enough for us to get by. He was also in school for graphic design, electrical science, and business (paid for by his parents). My parents were good people, but even good people make mistakes sometimes. The night they spent together was the night my father's life became ten times harder and my mother lost her chance of doing anything with herself. Then, six years later, nine years ago, that same mistake would take everything away from them.


	52. PAGE52f

Hi again book. This is my second time writing today and its night time now. So after I wrote in you this morning, I went back home to sleep. I woke up to someone pounding on the front door. When I answered the door, Axel was there. He looked completely worried and slightly disheveled. When I asked him what he wanted and why he was even here at not even noon, he told me that he was worried about me since I had told him I wouldn't want to hang out and then I didn't show up at school. He said that at first he thought that I was mad at him, but then Riku told him that I wasn't. So Axel had thought that something happened and rushed over to my house. I told his that I was fine and I just didn't feel like going to school. I knew he didn't believe me, but he dropped it at that and told me to go hang out with him. I didn't really want to, but he wasn't really taking no for an answer. So eventually, we got into his car and he drove us to the amusement park where he and Sora had their first date. I tried to have a good time, but my parents were on my mind the whole time. I think Axel could tell something was up and I was grateful he didn't ask me about it. Instead, he tried extra hard to make me smile and laugh. We went on a lot of rides and played every game as many times as it took Axel to win me the biggest possible prize. We played this game where you had to catch fish with a net made of rice paper and he named his fish after me, so I named mine after him (now Fish (yes I named my fish, Fish) will have a friend). I did have fun today and I'm glad Axel spent the day with me. He makes me really happy, but I know that he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend. I kind of feel bad for having fun on the anniversary of the day I took my parents away from the world.


	53. PAGE53t

Hello book. It's been a while since we last spoke. Today when I went to school, I was late, so I went to my lit teacher's class. He looked really happy to see me, but he had a class so I waited in his office until the bell rang. During passing, he came into his office and handed me half a dozen roses. Then he hugged me and said three words that made me feel slightly confused and absolutely stupid: happy birthday, Roxas. Until the moment he had said that, I had completely forgotten. It made me really happy since he actually remembered my birthday _and_ the roses were my favourite flowers. It reminded me of the day we started going out, but that's another story for another day that will never come. Anyway, during recess Riku found me and showered me with balloons. He quadruple-knotted three or four to each of my belt loops and five on my bag. I probably looked like I was planning to fly away. Sora and Axel weren't at school and during lunch I found out why. Riku and I snuck off campus (trust me, it's hard to do with twenty brightly coloured, floating giveaways hovering above you). We went to Axel's house, where he and Sora had set up a huge party for me. We had a lot of fun. After school, Naminé and some of my other friends showed up. It's a lucky thing I had brought you to school today, because I'm probably going to end up staying the night. It's already almost midnight now and I went to 'use that bathroom' to quickly give the details on how today went. Sorry for not writing too much. See you tomorrow, book.


	54. PAGE54w

So. Hi. I don't really know what to write today. Um. Today I didn't go to school. I stayed at Axel's house with Riku and this boy Riku had slept with. Oh yeah, last night Sora found out that Riku and I weren't dating. I think he comprehended it as 'we broke up' instead of 'we were never dating.' But oh well. Doesn't matter too much. Axel and Sora and the others (everyone who stayed overnight after the party) had gone to school. We kind of just talked a bit and watched a movie. Eventually the boy who was with us went home. I think after he and Riku had their second round. I kinda wonder where Axel's mother was the whole time. Anyway. At around noon, Riku took me home. We just stayed at my house and played games for a while. Then my guardian came over, so Riku left. She only came to drop of groceries and to ask if I was doing okay. I told her I was. So she left. Yeah. That was kind of it. That's all I really did today. Pretty boring day. Oh hold on, book. Phone call. Okay. That was my lit teacher. He just asked if I was okay. I told him yes and he asked if I was just sleeping off my birthday party. Again, I told him yes. He laughed and then mentioned something about hanging out again sometime. Then that was it. Yup. Can you tell I'm out of things to talk about? You know what would be cool? If you could write back to me. Like I could write something and then whatever words you would say back, would show up next to my words. So if I were to ask a question, you could answer it. Or when I write things, you could make comments. Or _you_ could ask _me_ questions. I think that would be pretty awesome. Then I could have conversations with you and all that. Oh, imagine the things you would say to me. Yeah. I'm weird, I know. Alright. I think I'm gonna go now. Bye. Oh, and by the way… you know last night? After I wrote in you I kind of sort of might have maybe had sex with Axel.


	55. PAGE55h

School was awkward. Axel didn't know how to act around me and I sure as hell didn't know how to react to him. At all. Like this morning I saw him and I just kind of stood there. He did the same. In all honesty I didn't know what to say. I mean if you took into consideration the night that we actually did it; we didn't say anything to each other then either. So how on earth were we supposed to be able to talk to each other at school? Well anyway, I'm sure Sora hasn't noticed anything yet. He has this God-given gift which allows him to not notice bad things right away. It's his subconscious way of coping with difficult situations: by never noticing them from the start. During art Axel and I made uncomfortable small talk. It probably would have been better if we just ignored each other, but somehow we were drawn to one another. I didn't want to talk to him, but I couldn't help it. But it was unbearably ridiculous. One hundred percent awkward, one hundred percent uncomfortable, making the period two hundred percent terrible. Not once during the short conversations did we make eye contact. Also, we sat as far as the table would allow us to do so. I hate to admit that more than once, I found myself glancing at his… pants. At the end of the day we just sort of lingered for a bit before indirectly saying our goodbyes. I know I have to talk to him about what we do from here and I know that we need to work this out. Because honestly? This will drive us insane if we don't. I mean, if a kiss pushed me to the brink of madness, imagine what's to happen if we let this go on! I'm just gonna tell him that it was a mistake and that we should forget it ever happened and just go on with our lives. Because that's the truth. Right?


	56. PAGE56a

Yesterday I talked to Axel. I had a whole list of things to say to him. Heck, I'd written a script (not to use, just to make sure I knew what I was and wasn't going to say)! But when the time came, he gave me this soft smile before I could even say anything. And I melted. I couldn't remember any of what I had mentally rehearsed and even worse, I don't think I wanted to say it anyway. So in the end, we ended up kissing again. It was in the stairs. I asked if we could talk after lunch, so we waited for everyone to be in class and before I could say a thing, his arm around my waist and mouth over my lips interrupted me. It was those passionate kinds of kisses that leave you lusting for more. Much like the one he'd given me on my birthday. Oh right… I should probably explain that. Okay. Here goes. So like I had said before, I snuck away to write my daily entry and when I got out of the bathroom, Axel was waiting for me. We just kind of talked a little. Then he had his hand up my shirt and his mouth over mine. He kind of tasted like alcohol and raspberries so I figured he was just drunk and that this kiss, like the other, meant nothing to him. He started playing with my nipple rings and whispered something about my lying about what piercings I had when we had first met. I tried really hard to keep from moaning, but I accidentally let it slip and when I did, he pressed his knee against my uh… thing. Then we kinda slid against the wall into the nearest room and he ended up shagging me. The next thing I knew, it was morning and I woke up (naked) in his bed. When I went down stairs I only found Riku and this boy who were making out in the kitchen. They told me everyone had gone to school and well, you know the rest of the story from there. I don't know if this was a passionate kind of sex or just a casual, I'm-drunk-so-lets-fuck sort of thing. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm going to bed.


	57. PAGE57s

Today I was woken by loud sobs outside of my house. Someone was screaming my name as if the world were to end. When I went to the door, Sora threw himself at me, crying. He said something about him and Axel and then I immediately remembered the last thing Axel had told me on Friday: 'I'm gonna break up with Sora tomorrow. We'll see how you feel then and we can decide on what to do from there.' So anyway, Sora was crying. Like a LOT. He said that he didn't know how it happened and that he and Axel were doing fine. Then he said something about it just being the fact that he (Axel) was a 'stupid American' who dated him for fun, got bored, and decided it was time to move on. Then my heart pulled tight. If he could do it to Sora, then he could do it to me too. He could so easily just be playing with me and I could actually mean absolutely nothing to him. The thought of it made me sick. I told Sora that it would be okay and that he was too good for Axel anyway. Which was kind of true because Axel was, despite being my friend and secret crush, a bastard for cheating on my friend. Then I realized that _I_ was the one he cheated with. _Me_! Sora's best friend! I slept with Axel and therefore, ruined Sora's relationship. I suck. Anyway, later, when Sora and I were watching a movie, there was a knock on my door. Let me just say really quickly, that I hate when people come over because they always say things like 'I hope your parents don't mind' or 'are your parents home?' because they don't realize that I DON'T HAVE ANY! Sorry. Venting there for a sec. Anyhow, I went to the door and who do I find standing there? Axel. Before he even had the chance to say anything, I told him that I really didn't want to talk to him. Like really, REALLY didn't want to. Mostly because if Sora were to come to the door and see Axel, he'd probably catch the gist of what happened and then I would be revealed as the horrible shitty friend I am. I wish things would go back to the way they were.


	58. PAGE58t

My original intentions for today were to figure out exactly what this _thing_ between Axel and I was. However, when I went to talk to him my talk with Sora forced me to bite my tongue. I mean what if Axel was just some player like all the good looking guys in all the American books and movies? And that my _real_ soul mate was the one person I kept overlooking? That's how it always ends up in those stories. How cliché. Anyway, I really wanted to talk to Axel, but I got scared. Scared that if we _did_ go out, he'd dump me when another person came along. For all I know he just uses people. He hasn't proven anything other than that. You might think I'm overreacting, book, but it really is possible. Think about this: he didn't even know Sora, but he agreed to go out with him. Just seems kind of sketchy. I mean I like the guy, really. I'm head over heels, crazy, mad for him. He's getting irritated with me, I can tell. Because I slammed the door in his face on Sunday, ignored his very existence yesterday, and obviously avoided him today. I mean it was horribly obvious. When I saw him, I did a 180 and practically ran through the hall. When he tried to talk to me the first time, I made up an excuse to talk to this girl I hardly know. The second time, I pretended to get a phone call and walked away. The third time, which was after school, I was at the bus stop. I heard him calling my name, so I jumped on the bus that I was so thankful had come so oddly early today. Or I was thankful until I realized that it wasn't that my bus was early. No, my bus probably got to the school at its usual time. I had gotten onto the bus that goes in the complete opposite direction of my house. I noticed right away, so I felt like a retard when I got off at the very next stop. I know I need to talk to him book, and I swear I will. In a couple of years maybe.


	59. PAGE59w

Wednesday. I should have known that it wouldn't be possible for me to avoid Axel forever. I should have known that my dreams would reel me back to the night we shared together. I should have known that my best friend likes to meddle with things that have nothing to do with him. So, of course, when I went to school today, Riku jumped out of only-God-knows-where (I'm damn sure there's nothing to hide in or behind in that hallway) and grabbed me. He dragged me into the library, where Axel had already been waiting. When I tried to leave, Riku grabbed my arms and told me that I wasn't leaving until I spoke to Axel. We sat there for a long time because I avoided eye contact with Axel. After a while he asked him if I was mad. I said no. But I guess I didn't say it loud enough because he asked again. Right then, I suddenly felt super irritated, so I turned to yell my answer at him, but he caught my chin and covered my mouth with his. He keeps doing this to me, book. I can't tell if he's being serious with me or not. It's frustrating. We ended up not talking at all because Axel just kept on kissing me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't kiss back. I didn't want to, but I couldn't fight it. It didn't go on for too long though because after maybe three minutes, my lit teacher conveniently walked by. He said my name and when I turned to face him, I was silently begging him to get me away from Axel (mostly because I don't know what I would have ended up doing it he didn't get me out of there). He got the message. He walked up to us, grabbed my hand, and yanked me away. He told Riku and Axel that we were all supposed to be in class, then turned and walked me to his classroom. I think Axel was staring at us angrily because I could feel him glaring at the back of my head when I squeezed my teacher's hand as we walked away. I wonder if my guardian would agree to the idea of me transferring schools.


	60. PAGE60h

Hi book. I did a lot of thinking last night and I decided to never see Axel ever again. Of course that didn't work because the moment I saw him in school, there was this fit of lust in my gut that caused me to drag him into the boy's bathroom where we made out for all of ten minutes. The only reason we stopped is because the janitor came in and told us that if we didn't get to class, he'd send us to the office. Then during art, we snuck to off to his car where we made love for the second time. It's upsetting to me though because I can't see him as a boyfriend, but these things aren't things you do with 'just friends.' We didn't talk at all today, aside from moaning each other's names. I don't want to have a purely physical relationship with him. Truth be told, I've fallen deeply in love with him and I don't see any way of coming out of it. However, if all he wants is sex, then I'll have to break it off and never go to school ever again. I'm sure a writer doesn't need a degree to get published. Two weeks ago, I would have loved to be with Axel this way. But two weeks ago, I didn't think that 'sleeping with Axel' meant 'sleeping with Axel who was in no way emotionally attached to me.' I can't tell if he's looking for a relationship with me or just an occasional shag. I hope it's the first (and this makes me feel like a jerk since he and Sora just broke up and going out with your friend's ex is not a very 'good friend' sort of thing to do). You see, when I look at him, I see lust and passion laced eyes, not the love-filled ones I'm longing for. I've decided now that I have to talk to him about it soon. And by soon I mean tomorrow. I can't keep putting it off because honestly? This'll probably tear me apart. I really wish you could give me some advice, book because I really don't know what to do. I have so many questions and I don't know which choices are the right ones. I need someone to talk to. I guess… most kids have parents to talk to about things like this. I guess this is my punishment for being born to two teens who never wanted a child.


	61. PAGE61f

Today is Friday. It was also the last day of school. It was quite an interesting day. You know, book, before I started writing in you, my life was boring and insipid and so full of nothing. Which is why, when we first started our little adventure together, I had said that this (writing everyday) would be hard. Interesting days were uncommon. Now the boring ones are quite rare. You cursed my life to be overly exciting, exceedingly dramatic, and much more confusing than I'd like it to be. (Of course, that could just be me. Maybe this is a normal life and I've just been living mine all wrong until just recently) However, I'm able to think things through better because of you. At the end of the day, just before I take a seat to write the day's entry, I can be feeling an emotion that is completely opposite of the one I end up with after writing. There are several instances where, without you, I might have acted irrationally, but because I got the chance to sit down and think about it, I didn't. Anyway, today I managed to talk to Axel without my tongue ending up in his mouth. I told him that I didn't want to be with him in that way. I told him that I wanted us to just be friends. He jumped to conclusions and asked if I was dating my lit teacher. I told him we weren't. And we argued. A lot. To the point where I just turned and started walking away. Then he grabbed my wrist and apologized. When I asked him why he cared so much, he didn't answer. So I pulled my arm away and started to leave again. That's when he told me he liked me. They were the words I had been dying to hear for so long, but when they finally came out, I got mad. Only a little. I asked him how he thought he had the right to say that. He was only with Sora a couple of weeks ago and he hardly knew me really (this is me being a hypocrite and a liar, since I fell for him and we probably know the same amount about each other). I told him that I'm not so quick to say yes like he is (a reference to when Sora asked him out). Then he gave me this long list of things. Things I had said to him that I didn't even remember saying. Little things, big things, things of both complete importance and none at all. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with


	62. PAGE62f

him because I was afraid that he'd use me and then just cast me aside when he was done. He asked what gave me that idea so I asked him what was up with his relationship with Sora. He looked a bit surprised, but I could tell he understood what I meant. He told me that he and Sora had been a mistake. He said that he didn't even know why he said yes because from the moment he met me he liked me. He said that it did do a good job of making me jealous. I didn't know how to feel towards that. Instead of just asking me out, he had to go and date one of my friends just to make me jealous? I mean I was happy that he liked me, but he _used_ one of my friends. Then he brought up the night of my birthday. He asked if what we had done that night meant nothing to me. I almost lied and said that it didn't mean anything. Instead, I told him it had been a mistake. Besides, he _was_ drunk. He told me that it wasn't and that he had been thinking about it for days and that he searched the whole party for me and had hardly had even two drinks. We didn't say anything for a while after that and I was about to tell him that I had to go, but then he asked me out. He just straight up came out and said to me, "Roxas, will you go out with me?" When I told him I'd have to think about it, he, once again, brought up my teacher. He said something about me not wanting to go out with him because I was dating the literature teacher and I just didn't know how to say no to him. I told him he was being a jack ass and that I just wanted time to think. He hesitated, but agreed and told me that if I didn't call him by Monday, he'd come to my house. When I told him that he couldn't just come to my house whenever he wanted he had said something about how he'd make sure to come when my parents weren't home. Then I got upset. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. And so without another word, I left. It still hurts, you know. Even if people don't know about them… it still hurts.


	63. PAGE63a

Today was supposed to be a good day. A while back (I don't remember if I told you or not), my lit teacher asked me to spend time with him someday. That 'someday' just so happened to become today. Just to hang out 'like we used to' in the beginning of the year. Now before you start getting the idea that I have feelings for my teacher, let me just tell you that I don't. Really. I don't. (and no, this is not one of those in-denial times like with Axel. I'm being serious.) Anyway, I mostly just wanted to get my mind off of Axel and Sora left yesterday on vacation and Riku was preoccupied by a random someone. We went to eat ice cream and talked mostly about writing and my future as a novelist (I'm a nerd, I know). We wanted to see a movie, but right when we got to the theatre, it was half an hour too late. We wanted to see that one where the main character finds out he's a robot and not human, even though he thought he was human his whole life, which turns out to only have been three weeks even though he thought he has thirty-four years-worth of 'memories'. I'll have to remember to see it some other time. Anyway, since we couldn't see the movie, we just kinda walked around and talked. And that's where my day went from good to shit. Coming out of a café (yes, yes we got ice cream AGAIN), we ran into Axel. He kinda glared at my teacher then asked me what I was doing there with him. I told him that I wasn't doing anything. Then he was all like ohhh I knew you two were dating! How dare you lead me on! Blahblahblahhhhhh. So our teacher had said something about him not being the type to date a student (haha what a liar! Not THIS time, but still) and that Axel was being childish. But Axel got all mad and I told him to stop being a prick. What I _meant_ to say was that I really liked him, but I did need time to think and that my teacher and I were actually very close friends, BUT it didn't come out like that. At all. Instead, I had to go and get mad back at him. So he was all like screw you I knew you were just avoiding it yesterday cause you're sleazing around with him. I tried to deny that, but he said that he should have known because I was friends with Riku and sluts stick together. Yeah. Then I got pretty damn pissed. So I punched him.


	64. PAGE64m

Yesterday morning my phone woke me up and I was greeted with a laughing Riku. He said to me that word on the street was I punched Axel's face in. He had heard from some gossiping kid who happened to see me make Axel's nose bleed. Riku said that punching someone wasn't the correct way to get into their pants (to that he added, 'trust me. I've tried.' Which I couldn't help but laugh at). I told him that I didn't just want to get into Axel's pants. I told him I only punched Axel because he had called me a slut which made Riku laugh. So I told him that Axel had called him a slut to. He so calmly replied by telling me that Axel was too since he slept with me while he was dating Sora. Then the thought that Sora would hate my guts if I dated Axel crossed my mind and with that came the thought that Axel probably hates me after yesterday so it doesn't really matter anyway. I told this to Riku and he called me a dumb ass and before I could say anything he told me to shut up and hold my breath. I didn't get it at first, but then, as I heard a dial tone and Axel's voice pick up, I realized Riku had called Axel so that I could secretly listen it. Axel had said that he felt like a jerk and that he thought I had every right to hit him. He also said that he wished things went differently between us. That instead of agreeing to date Sora, he had gone with his gut and asked me out instead. He said at the very least he wanted to go back to being friends and hang out every day like we used to. Then he told Riku that he thinks he's in love with me and that was all I needed to hear. I hung up, got dressed and walked over to Axel's house. When I got there he was still on the phone. He was surprised to see me, I know because he dropped said phone and I could hear Riku laughing. I was panting from walking (and by walking I mean running) and glaring at Axel because he was too much of a pussy to tell me he loved me to my face. I think he expected me to do something rash again, because he flinched when I stepped towards him. I said to him, "say it, and I'm yours." He bent down and whispered in my ear three words. I love you. I pulled back just to press


	65. PAGE65m

forward again and kiss him. He straightened up and I had to stand on my toes to keep contact. I remember him pulling me into the house by my belt loop (the belt loop of the pants he had given me). I remember being dropped onto a bed and Axel mentioning to me that he had never slept with Sora (as if he could read my mind because trust me, that was exactly what I had been thinking). I remember apologizing for punching him after pulling his shirt off. And I remember him slipping my pants down, past my knees, then to the floor. I remember doing it maybe three or four times before falling deeply into sleep and telling Axel that I loved him right before I did. I don't really remember waking up this morning. It was kind of a blur. Seeing him next to me and smiling when he kissed my forehead. And when we walked into the kitchen to his mother who had made waffles, she had looked to Axel and said, "So you finally grew a pair and told him, huh?" I was pretty shocked. Not so much by that fact that his mom was cool about him having spent a whole day having sex and not even by the fact that she had known that Axel even had the hots for me. All I could think was how cool she was for having said that. It's not every day I hear an adult talk like that. Especially not a mother. She smiled at us and asked if we had fun and again I was shocked by the way she spoke. After we ate, Axel mother asked if my parents knew where I was and if they would be worried that I hadn't gone home yesterday. Immediately, I felt my heart sink. Like all the new-love tingly-ness had morphed into a stake that stabbed me in the heart. I forced a smile and told her not to worry about it, but I should be getting home. Axel saw me falter, I know he did. He walked me home and the whole way we talked the way we did in art class. He waited till we were right outside my door to ask me what was wrong. I told him 'nothing' and kissed him once before retreating into my house and closing the door in his face. I know what you're thinking book, one day I'll have to tell him and I will. Just… not now.


	66. PAGE66m

I talked to Axel about Sora today. The first thing he did was apologize about using my friend the way he did and that he did come to like Sora as a friend and even though it wasn't likely (cause Sora's not one to forgive since he loves holding grudges), he hopes that they can still be friends. After that we agreed to keep our relationship a secret since we've already had enough drama and letting Sora know that we were dating would be a very bad choice. I know it's bad to keep this from him, but trust me book, telling him would be worse. Anyway, being with Axel makes me really happy. I like the way his lips feel on mine and the way he holds my hand when we walk. I know this is 'young love' and that eventually it settles and things become less lovey and cute, but I can like it while it lasts. I like the butterflies that burst when he glances at me and when we exchange loving smiles or sweet pecks. We've been dating for a week now and I've spent every day of the break so far with him. Mostly I sleep over at his house, which is why you haven't heard from me in so long. No, no I didn't forget about you, I promise. Okay… so maybe I did a little. BUT I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! Axel's leaving later today. He's going to visit his father in America before school starts again. But Sora came back yesterday and Naminé and Riku have been bugging me to hang out with them. I guess I got a little caught up with my new relationship that I forgot about a lot of things. Well… there's not much more to say for today. I'll see you tomorrow, book.


	67. PAGE67m

Hello book! So today was filled with… a lot of stuff. So when I first got up, I found Riku watching TV in the living room. He told me I looked cute when I sleep and that he was going to tell all the rapists about the window that I never lock. Whatever. Eventually we went to meet up with Naminé to see that robot movie that I didn't get to see with my teacher. When we went to go eat lunch, out of nowhere, Naminé says she wants to get her ears pierced and that was enough to make Riku's day. He dragged us down to the shop where I had gotten so many of my own piercings and the guy (you know? The one with the unknown name?) immediately comes up to me and asks what I needed this time. I laughed and told him I was just accompanying a friend, but while Naminé was getting her piercings, I got the strangest feeling that I _needed_ to get something too. I felt up my ears and got all disappointed when I realized there wasn't much space left on them. Then Riku smiled at me already knowing was I was thinking. He pointed down and I was confused at first. He walked closer to me, still pointing, and said, "Down there." I nearly had a heart attack when he said it. Just then Naminé returned to us showing he freshly pierced ears (she had already had two from when she was little, so she just got one more on each ear). We thanked the guy and left and I think I noticed him wink at Riku. Now I understand why I get everything for free. Anyways, we went to the amusement park for a few hours and just kinda hung out. Then Riku got this phone call which I thought was a booty call, but halfway through he started looking super happy and excited and he kept thanking whoever called him. When he hung up he told us he had gotten the lead role in this play he had auditioned for (I don't remember the name, but I know he was pining for it for years) so we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. Today was fun. I hope that I get to have a lot of days like this before school starts.


	68. PAGE68h

Morning, book. You're probably wondering where we're going so early in the morning. You see, last night I had a dream about my parents. I have dreams about them quite often. Usually I have good dreams about them. Ones where they didn't die or just memories of when they were alive. Only this time… in my dream I was the one who was killing them. I could see fear mixed with tears in their eyes and there was blood everywhere. It was horrible. I woke up screaming and crying and I haven't stopped since (not the screaming part). I probably look like an abused runaway. What kind of high school student sits on a train at 7 in the morning during break crying their eyes out while writing in a book? Whatever. We're going to visit my parents now. Axel's coming home tomorrow and I was planning on getting things to set up a welcome back date, but I just don't feel like it anymore. He might actually be mad at me. He tried calling me yesterday, but I was with Naminé and I forgot to call him back. And there's no way I could call him now. I probably won't be able to later either. The lady sitting across from me is looking at me kind of suspiciously. I don't like it. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. Like in my dream. Hold on book, we're getting off the train here. I think I'll spend the rest of the day here. I've brought them tea cakes. The really pretty, expensive ones. My mother used to love them and my father would bring them for her on any special occasion. I wonder what happens to the foods that people leave on graves. Do they just get thrown away? My grandma used to tell me that when no one was looking, the spirits come and take them. I would like that. I want her to have them. Well book, we've been here almost all day. Everyone else I've seen has only stayed for no longer than ten minutes. I could see how it could get boring, but… I like being with my parents. I like talking to them and telling them secrets. I feel a lot better, but crying has made me really tired and I would hate to fall asleep here. Let's go home.


	69. PAGE69f

See, book? Didn't I tell you that Axel would be mad? Me and Riku had gone ALL THE WAY TO THE FREAKING AIRPORT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING. Axel had told Riku that that's the time he would land. So we waited and waited and waited some more and when an hour had passed we called Axel and he said he was a home. At home! I don't even know how he made it without us seeing him the guy's hair is a freaking dead giveaway. Oh my god. So we went over to his house and he ignored me. Well he said hi and kissed me and when we sat on the couch to meet his father who had come back with him, he kept his arm around my shoulder, but he didn't say a single word to me. And everyone noticed, don't you start thinking it's just me overreacting. Cause it's not. Every time I tried to say something he'd interrupt me. What an ass hole! So I forget to answer my phone for two days. I WAS MOURNING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Whatever. We talked about it after. Or rather, we _argued_ about it after. He was all pissy and said he couldn't get ahold of me which made him worry that something could have happened and he wouldn't know. But really? When was the last thing _anything_ remotely _close_ to bad happened in this neighborhood? Besides Riku would have told him if anything did happen. WHATEVER. Anyway, we mostly made up somehow. We agreed to go shopping for school things tomorrow since school starts next Monday (WHERE DID MY BREAK GO?). Oh right. So I met Axel's dad. He's staying here just for a while. He hardly speaks any Japanese (not even enough to make half a conversation) which is okay because I could still talk to him in English (that made him happy). He seems okay. Not cool like his ex-wife though. He's very business-y and kinda serious, but he's an editor which I think is cool. Hopefully, before he leaves to go back to America, I'll be able to talk to him about his work and stuff.


	70. PAGE70a

For as fun as today was, it was probably just as awkward. So Axel and I went back to school shopping together for a few supplies. The reason it was awkward was that Axel's mother convinced (I mean forced) Axel to let his father come with us (because she didn't want him in the house). It was okay because he decided to pay for EVERYTHING. We went to that department store by the school. You remember? The one I went to with Naminé? We got pretty much all of our supplies from there. Axel's father shares his son's odd American liking of vending machines. We stopped at every single one. He even took pictures of some of them. Eating lunch was kind of weird. Axel and his father were arguing about what Axel would be doing after high school (since he only has one year left). He wants Axel to be 'not something useless' and by 'useless' he means artist. Last school year, Axel was in two art classes, the advanced one and mine. I only took the class because it was impossible to fail. Axel took it because he had nothing else to take, but he paid as much attention in his advanced art class as I do in my literature classes. He's a very good artist, but his father doesn't think he can have a good career with it. He wants Axel to become a doctor or a pilot or something. Axel had gotten upset and excused himself to the bathroom and I _was _going to follow him, but his father started talking to me. He had asked if I had plans for where my life would go after school. I mentioned taking over my grandfather's business and he thought that it was great that I was going into something so successful (apparently, the company makes things sold in America too). I also told him about wanting to become a novelist and he was very interested in that. He pointed out that the two were completely different fields and I already know this, but I told him that I don't want to give up my dream and even more so, I don't want to give up my family's business. I think he liked that I said that cause he asked to read some of my work sometime and he even offered to, when the time comes, help me get published. It took all I had to not freak out and hug him on the spot. I was so excited. I think Axel doesn't like his father too much (I don't really blame him since the guy _did_ cheat on Axel's mother), but I think he likes that fact that his father likes me.


	71. PAGE71m

Well book… I'm back in school. I hate the first day of school. All you do is sit in class and listen to the teachers talk about nothing. I'm in three writing classes this year (one of them is with Riku). I'm in art with Axel again and science and math with Sora. My lit teacher from last year is teaching two of my writing classes and the other one is this younger woman. She told us that this was her first year teaching. I hope she's a good teacher. Riku's not telling any of us what classes he's taking, but I heard from one of his drama friends that he's only in one acting class this year. I wonder what's up. Naminé and Axel both decided to take multiple art classes. Sora's in normal classes (the main cores and random electives that he doesn't really care about). Anyway I stayed in my lit teacher's office through math and science. Sora got mad about that since he had to sit all alone. He doesn't sit with us at lunch anymore because we still eat with Axel. Naminé's taken his place though. I just realized that I can't ditch school anymore because I end the day with a writing class. Well, I _can, _but that would mean sneaking off just to sneak back on, which I think is kind of a waste. Oh well. We're back at home for the first time since last Thursday. Lucky I had you with me when I went to Axel's house. Let me just tell you something, trying to do it without making a single noise because of _someone's_ father is really hard. Axel's mom doesn't really care, but she told us to keep quiet since his father is only a little homophobic. Whatever. Yesterday Axel almost got his hands on you when we were packing for school. That would have probably been a nightmare. Now he really wants to know why I freaked out when he picked you up though. Maybe one day I'll show you to HAHA JUST KIDDING! WHAT WAS I THINKING THERE? THAT WOULD BE A COMPLETE DISASTER! I like being able to tell you everything. I wonder what I'm going to do when these 100 pages are up.


	72. PAGE72t

Today school was boring. That's one thing that hasn't changed since we started. School's kinda always the same. In school me and Axel don't act like we're dating just cause it would cause trouble (mostly with Sora). But anyway, that's not important. Today AFTER SCHOOL was the first time Axel and I had had any time to go out since before he left. And I mean just the two of us. It was wonderful. We went to this market that sold all of these cute little useless things (like pinwheels and balloons and masks and toys and hats and music boxes and things). It was cute. Oh my god. Tell me I did NOT just say that. Ugh. I'm starting to sound like a girl again. Whatever. We spent so much money buying things for each other. When we went to buy food, we saw Sora and I think Axel panicked just as much as I did (or maybe he just noticed me panic and he wanted to calm me down) because before we even got our food, he grabbed my wrist and we ran out of there. Twice I almost got lost, not because I'm slow, just because he's really tall. And he takes bigger steps so it's a little hard to keep up. That's all. Anyway, after the second time of me almost stumbling over my feet, Axel pulled me up from the ground and ran, carrying me like a child. It. Was. So. Embarrassing. Seriously I could have died from embarrassment. I swear to god, if ANYONE from school saw that I will kill him. That aside, Sora didn't see us which was good. We ended up in the more boring part of town, sitting at a bus stop, and waiting until we thought it was safe to go back to Axel's car (which, hopefully, Sora wouldn't see). With nothing else to do, we kinda just made out. Even something as simple as that is amazing when it's with him. His kisses make me feel all… never mind. I'm sounding even more like a girl. Gross. Well making out lead to other things. 'Other things' being him giving me a… you know… with his hand… and my… yeah… you get it. It lead to him giving me _that_. In fricken public. I was so glad that there was no one innocently walking by. Or that a bus hadn't come. These damn Americans have no shame, do they?


	73. PAGE73h

Hey book! Do you know what today is? Hm? Well that's okay cause I'll tell you anyway! It's the 12th! And it's a Thursday! Do you know what that makes tomorrow? Friday the 13th! Oh, book. Don't tell me you don't know what that is. It's this absolutely stupid day where people believe that bad things will happen to you just because of the date. I happen to like the number 13 and I think that it is in no way unlucky. The girls in my math class were talking about it and talking about how they were all scared about what could happen. Me and Sora just rolled our eyes and laughed. They told us not to laugh at them and when I told them it was just a superstition, they proceeded to tell me about all of their unlucky happenings on previous 13th's. I don't really care though. I don't believe it. What annoys me though is that Axel does. We were talking about it during lunch. Naminé shares my opinion. She thinks it's silly to think that a calendar can predict a bad day. Riku doesn't believe it either, but he likes to make stuff up and freak out all the people who DO believe. Axel happened to fall into this particular group of people. So throughout lunch, we listened to Riku tell Axel a (fake) story about how once on Friday the 13th, Riku had spent the entire day just barley avoiding large object crushing him to a bloody puddle of Riku. He had a whole bunch of outlandish and completely unrealistic things to tell Axel and, since Riku is such a good actor, Axel naïvely bought every word. Naminé and I just laughed it off and assured Axel that it would be like any normal day. Well anyway, Sora's sleeping over for reasons that I do not know, so I should go now. See ya later book.


	74. PAGE74f

Okay. For the record, what I am about to tell you is completely by chance and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that today is the 13th. I'm sick. So horribly sick. Like violently throwing up and can't even manage to stand for two seconds sick. It's terrible and disgusting and I should probably be sleeping right now because writing hurts my head, but whatever. Riku came over first. About halfway through school. He had called me in the morning to ask where I was. When he got here he said, "You better be dying to have made me skip classes." What? Riku? Worried about classes? Since when? When Axel came over he was a bit upset that I hadn't told him I was sick. And that Riku was over before him. He's so moody sometimes. Well that argument was diffused when I threw up all over my bed sheets. However, that opened up the opportunity to new arguments. Things like who would help me out of bed and who would help me to the shower and stuff like that. Axel wanted to be the one to do everything and because Riku likes being annoying, he had to try and do everything before Axel got the chance to. It just gave me a headache. After I got out of the bath, the first thing Riku said was to never underestimate the powers of Friday the 13th. I told him it had nothing to do with it and I just happened to get sick. I went to sleep after that and when I woke up, Riku and/or Axel had made me dinner. I don't know who cause they just argued over who did what. At some point Riku had (secretly) reminded me that if I had any parents they would have to be coming home at some point and Axel didn't seem like he was planning on leaving any time soon. I asked Riku to get Axel to leave with him so that he wouldn't wonder why my parents weren't home when I was sick. So when Riku said he was leaving, Axel didn't want to go. He said that he would stay with me, but Riku somehow managed to convince him to leave me. I've said this before, I know, but one day I will tell him. Just… not yet. I don't know how to. It's hard.


	75. PAGE75w

Hi book. You might not know this and if you do you're probably mad about it, but it's been seventeen days since we last spoke. I'm so sorry! It's just that I've been busy. Axel's dad has been helping me with a lot of writing things. I had him read a short story that I had written over the break (you're not the only practice I do) and he said it was very well written for my age. He said there's still a lot I can improve on, but he knows one day that I can make a very promising career out of it. I'm happy. My life has sort of settled into a new schedule. I go to school then hang out with Axel, Riku, and Naminé then go home with Axel and we spend time together and then I either go home or spend the night. I feel like I'm always doing something which makes me happy. Sorry for not writing in you. For what it's worth, not much has happened since I last did. I'm not sick anymore, but I guess that's obvious since it's been so long. This sucks. I knew I would start doing this sooner or later. I hope… that I actually manage to finish you. I always start things and I'm really good about it at first, then I just sort of forget and never complete it. I don't mean to forget. It's just… I've been distracted lately. And look, now even with two weeks of having written absolutely nothing, I don't know what to say to you. I'll try to be better about writing daily. Well first of all, I should say that I'll try to actually spend more time at home. I'm sure Axel's parents don't like having me over every single day. I'll take you with me to school and write in you how I did that one time a while back. You remember? When I wrote everything as I did it? You liked when I did that right? And I'll go back to writing all the time. Sorry that I haven't been talking to you. Well. I guess this is it for now. Bye book. See you in the morning.


	76. PAGE76h

Morning book. We're in my first class now, which is writing. And it sucks. This class is with that new teacher I told you about. She's not a bad teacher; this is just a bad class. Everyone's so stupid. They hardly understand the basics of anything and all we ever talk about is shit I learnt years ago. Damn this is so boring. I hope it's not too late to switch out of this class. Okay its recess now and Sora's copying my math homework. No, no I'm not some pushover who just lets people copy my work. We have this arrangement where he does the science and I do the math and we copy each other's homework. That way we don't have to do so much work. I'm a bad student, I know. At least I pay attention and do well in the writing classes. Math is really boring. I don't care to know the cosine of a triangle and I don't understand how knowing that will ever help me in life. So retarded. So its lunch now. Naminé and Riku are talking about having another party (like my birthday party). They said it wouldn't have to be as big, but it would still be cool to do something. Axel said that we'd have to wait for his dad to leave cause he probably wouldn't want a whole lot of people in the house. His dad's leaving at the end of the week. Okay. I need to stop writing and put you away now. Naminé just asked what I was writing. Oh my god school's finally done. Axel, Riku and Naminé are at my house. We're playing this game I just bought last week. It's damn awesome. I'm so winning. Naminé just left. Riku's making dinner. Alright, so it's kinda really late now. After we ate, Riku went home and Axel started kissing and touching me even though I told him a million times that I don't like doing those kinds of things in my house. He didn't really listen when I told him to stop and after so long, I couldn't really keep pushing him away so I gave in. So, for the first time in my life, I had sex in my house. I convinced Axel to go home after that. Wanna know something embarrassing? My guardian came over while we shagged. She doesn't have a house key, so if I don't let her in she just leaves whatever she's brought in the garage. The garage that's right by my bedroom.


	77. PAGE77f

Tonight kind of sucked. Axel's parents invited me to dinner. No. Actually they invited my parents and I to dinner. I had told them there was no way that my parents would be able to make it. It's not a lie. They really wouldn't. Anyway when I showed up alone, Axel's father was a little disappointed. I spent half the night dodging questions about my parents (What do they do? What are they like? When could we meet them? Could they come to the airport tomorrow?) Axel was annoyed, I could tell. I think I might have made it sound either like I was on poor terms with my parents and we didn't really talk or that I was embarrassed because I didn't want them to meet Axel and his family. I probably sounded like a jerk. But what was I supposed to do? Walk in, sit down, and say, "Oh dinner looks great by the way did I ever mention that my parents are dead?" I've only ever had to say it out loud once. Only once in my whole life have I ever verbally admitted that my parents were dead and that was to my lit teacher when we were dating. Thinking it is hard enough, but saying it tears me apart. Then people don't know how to act afterwards. They pity you and you know they wanna ask what happened, but their too scared and you wouldn't know how to answer them anyway. I don't want Axel's mom and dad to look at me as the poor boy with no parents. I don't want _anyone_ to look at me like that and that's why I never say it. Riku's really good about directing a conversation so that it never gets to that and, if ever it does; he has a magical way with words that allows him to change the topic immediately. That's how he managed to get Axel out of my house the night I was sick (and the three nights after that). Anyway, Axel was pissed. He didn't say anything, but I knew it because when dinner was over he didn't ask me to stay over. Instead he said something like he would see me tomorrow then said he couldn't walk me home because he had an art project to work on. His mother got mad at him for it and offered to drive me, but I told her no because I didn't want her to wonder where my parents' cars were so late at night. I think Axel's gonna be mad at me about this for a while.


	78. PAGE78h

Hi book. It's been a while again. About a week. Since then, Axel's dad left. Axel hadn't wanted me there to see his father off, but I went anyway. He's still upset about the other night at dinner. He didn't talk to me much. Also, I think Naminé has a slight crush on Riku. I always catch her glancing at him or using any excuse to do things with him. I don't know though. At the beginning of the week, Axel didn't talk to me much. He still made contact (like he'd kiss me briefly or hold my hand). Throughout the week, though, he got over it and everything's fine now. Well, mostly. Anyway, about today. During lunch, Sora came to us. It was weird because usually he avoids us as long as Axel's around. But, no. He just came walking right to us and went straight to Axel. For a split second I thought he was going to kiss him. He asked Axel if they could talk outside, but Riku had said that anything Sora had to say could be said in front of all of us. Sora glared at him for a moment before glancing at me. I just sort of shrugged at him. He looked like he had wanted to run away for a moment, but he looked back at Axel and said that he was still in love with him. He wanted to know what he had done wrong and he wanted Axel to give him a chance to fix it. Then Axel told him he hadn't done anything wrong so Sora said something like, "Then why did you break up with me?" No one was looking at him anymore because he was crying. Naminé and Riku were trying to ignore the whole thing since they're not really involved, but Axel and I just couldn't take the guilt. When Axel didn't answer, Sora figured it out. He asked if there was someone else. I actually can't believe that he didn't figure it out sooner, since he always accused Axel of it when they were together. It was really quite for quite a while, and then all of a sudden Sora says that he's going to win Axel back. He said that he was going to do whatever it took to get Axel to love him again. Then he stormed off. I tried to talk to Axel about it, but he mostly ignored me after that. Well, to be fair he ignored everyone. I don't know book, with the way we've been going lately I have the weirdest feeling that Sora might win. I mean… Sora never kept secrets from Axel like I do and they never really fought when they were together.


	79. PAGE79a

Hey book. It's Saturday. Axel and I got into a pretty big fight today. It started off as me going to his house to talk to him about Sora (since Axel's been ignoring everyone since), but his mom had asked me something about my parents. I don't even remember what she said, but I made some stupid excuse to not answer it and then Axel dragged me to his bedroom. He asked me why I never wanted to talk about my parents. Before I even had time to fully process the question he asked ('more importantly') why he had never even met them. I kinda freaked. No one's ever put me _that_ on the spot about them. I told him it was complicated and that I don't like talking about it. He asked if I was embarrassed to let my parents meet him and I tried telling him that it wasn't like that, but he wasn't really letting me get a word in. At some point he accused me of being in another relationship and that the reason my parents couldn't meet him was because they had already met my 'other lover'. There's where he pissed me off. So I started screaming back at him. I just don't understand why he always thinks I'm in another relationship. Then I said, "You know what? I'm not like you! I don't go out with more than one person at a time!" and I know saying that was really bad, but I couldn't help it. Then he had to go and say that he never had this kind of 'bull shit trouble' with Sora, so I went and told him that maybe he should be with Sora then. I didn't really mean it, but then he went and said that maybe he should. That only made me angrier. So we threw insults back and forth until he slapped me. Hard. It took all I had not to cry in front of him and when I got up to leave I didn't even see a hint of regret in his eyes. When I left his room, his mother was walking towards it, worried as hell. She tried to ask me what was happening and if I was okay, but all I wanted to do was get out of that house, so I ran home. When I got here, Riku was inside watching TV. He does that sometimes. Just walk in and wait for me to get home. My home is like his second home (I mean, he _did _live here for a while before). He kinda freaked when I came in since I was crying and soaking wet (did I mention it was raining? Excellent timing am I right?) and my


	80. PAGE80a

cheek was (is still kind of) red and swollen. Riku had run up to me and asked who had hit me. I didn't really want to tell him. When we were younger, I used to pick fight with a lot of kids and, since I'm small, I'd always get beat up. I used to go crying to Riku and he'd go and beat the kids who beat me. But I'd never gone and got hit by someone who was friends with Riku. I didn't know what would happen if I told Riku that Axel was the one who hit me. I'm not even sure who would win in a fight like that. Anyway, Riku figured it out on his own. He asked what I wanted him to do and I just shrugged him off. He called Axel then and asked him what had happened. It's kind of hard to understand a conversation when you only hear one side of it, but I think Axel must have gotten upset that Riku was with me because Riku told him to calm down and that he was at my house and that I didn't go running to him. He asked him why he had hit me and then said something about how whatever Axel told him wasn't a good excuse. They kept talking for a while (and by talking I mean arguing) and then Riku told Axel that he better not dare hit me again. Then he hung up. I told Riku that we started fighting because Axel wanted to know why he never met my parents. I know it's my fault for not telling him, but it's not something that comes easily to me. Besides, what was I supposed to do? Tell him and his parents that they could never meet my parents because they're dead? I can't do that. They would have been all like oh my god I'm so sorry and it would have gotten awkward. The last thing I want is pity. Moreover, I don't need them worrying that I live by myself. And the last thing I'd want to do is explain what happened to them if anyone asked. I don't know what to do book. This is the first time I've gotten in an actual fight in a relationship. I don't know how you would normally get passed these things.


	81. PAGE81m

Oh book I don't know what's going on anymore. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions and all, but I can't help it. So today afterschool, Naminé and I went to the mall just to hang out and we saw Axel there. And Sora. Together. They were walking into a shop across the way from one that Naminé and I were leaving. I kind of freaked. Now keep in mind that Naminé doesn't know that Axel and I are dating. She was the one who pointed the two out in the first place (since my mind had been slightly distracted). She had almost called out to them, but I stopped her in time. I didn't bother with excuses as to why I didn't want them to know we were there. We followed them around a bit and they were mostly talking and laughing. After a while Naminé said (mostly thinking out loud to herself) that maybe they got back together. Okay, sure. Of course I was thinking it too, but hearing it out loud from someone else sent me reeling. I had to fight back tears for a moment. She even had to go and say how cute they were together. It didn't help that Sora would cling to Axel from time to time. Sure, he's just kinda clingy, but Axel did absolutely nothing to push him off. Then Axel had to go and smile. That same brilliant smile he would give me every time he told me he loved me. That same fucking smile I haven't seen in days. At that point I stood (did I mention we were hiding behind a bench?), grabbing Naminé's hand as I went up, and dragged her in Axel's direction. Sora noticed us first and when he called out to me, Axel sort of flinched. I smiled and greeted him as I normally would and made it a point to completely ignore Axel. Sora had whispered something to me about a plan to get Axel to fall for him and I half-assed a smile (only Sora would think it was genuine) and wished him good luck before turning and leaving. I wanted to play it off as 'oh sorry I have to go,' but then Naminé came walking after me and I had already been crying at that point, so I had no choice, but to run away from her. They all saw me run, but the only person who knew why was the only person who didn't bother calling out to me as I did.


	82. PAGE82w

You know book, I feel as though everything bad is happening all at once. First, the fight with Axel which has left us not talking and Riku pissed. Second, Sora's little confession and our discovery at the mall (him and Naminé keep asking about that). Then there's today which I _know_ is going to lead to even _more_ problems. Riku and I were eating lunch together in the art room and Naminé and Axel were working on projects. Axel wasn't really part of any of our conversation since the only one who would bother talking to him was Naminé. Anyway, Naminé had, completely out of the blue, asked if I had heard the news yet. When I asked what news she was talking about, she said the one about this girl, Xion, having a crush on me and her plans of confessing come lunchtime tomorrow. Xion is one the much more popular girls in school. A lot like my mama actually, pretty and popular, liked by everyone, and can have whatever guy she wants. I laughed it off and claimed she was bluffing, but she swore to me she wasn't. Naminé said that I should go out with her and when I tried to say no, Riku randomly threw out the fact that she was a good lay (yeah, Riku's still mad at Axel). At that, Axel had dropped his brush (or maybe he had just so happened to drop it right at that moment) and it rolled right to my feet. I picked it up and handed it off to Axel, who had walked over to me, but he didn't even make eye contact with me. So I asked him what his problem was (in English so that Naminé and Riku wouldn't understand). He didn't answer right away, but then he asked (also in English) me if I was going to accept that girl's offer. I called him an idiot and reminded him that I had said that I wasn't the type to date two people at once. He laughed at me when I said that and my heart completely sunk. I asked him if we were still together and he didn't even acknowledge me. Why else would he laugh right after I said that? The only reason I can conjure is that he no longer feels that we are dating. After that, I left and spent the rest of the school day in my lit teacher's office. What am I going to do book? I've fallen so hard for Axel, but it seems like he doesn't even like me at all anymore.


	83. PAGE83h

Okay. When Naminé said 'confess her feelings to you,' I didn't realize she meant 'make out with you'. I'm just gonna go straight into this. So, I don't know if I've told you this before or not, but I have art with Axel just before lunch. Axel had left to go buy lunch (Riku made me lunch so I was waiting for him). Naminé came just after Riku and told me that Xion was probably gonna be stopping by before lunch ended. It was as if she had heard Naminé say it because, moments after, Xion entered the room. She came up to me and said hi and asked if she could talk to me somewhere else. Riku, who didn't wanna miss a thing, pointed out that we were eating and it made much more sense to say whatever she needed right there. Ever confident, Xion smiled and agreed. She told me that she liked me and she wanted us to date. I knew it was coming, but it was still kind of a shock. I mean, we're two totally different people. Anyway, before I had a chance to answer, she leant across the desk I was at and kissed me on the lips. I'll tell the truth, it wasn't the _best_ kiss I've experience, but it definitely wasn't the worst. Not that that has something to do with anything. The kiss lasted longer than it should have since I spent all of five seconds in pure shock before I could remember how to push someone away. I told her I was sorry and that I was in love with someone else. She got all mad, of course, and stormed out of the room (I'm glad she's not the type to get all heart-broken and teary. Id rather piss a girl off than make her cry). Naminé and Riku shared identical shocked looks, since no one had been expecting Xion to do something like that. Axel never came back to the art room. I don't know if it was because he just didn't want to eat with us or what, but knowing my luck, he probably came back just in time to see Xion kiss me. Ugh. My life sucks.


	84. PAGE84a

It's Saturday, book. It's also the first day that I've gone grocery shopping since Axel was in America. Yeah… the house has been kinda foodless (my guardian's come, but she didn't bring much on her last visit). I'm not having very much luck with Saturdays. When I got back home from shopping, Axel was sitting on my front porch in the rain. I asked him what he was doing there and he said that he was waiting for me. For a split second I thought that maybe he was going to break up with me and I nearly dropped everything I was holding. We didn't talk at first, but when everything was put away, he led me into the living room. He said that he saw me with Xion. I felt the blood leave my face and my shoulders slump quite noticeably. I tried explaining to him that she kissed me and that I had pushed her away, but he wasn't really listening. I asked him about what he had been doing with Sora. He relaxed with the question, which didn't make me feel good at all. He said that they were just hanging out, but he spoke so casually that I couldn't even tell if he was bluffing or not. I started crying at this point. Axel had asked why I was holding Naminé's hand at the mall and before I had time to answer he interrupted me (I was just pulling her along. I wasn't really holding her hand). He wanted to know why I had been with Riku last Saturday when we had fought. I guess he suspects that there's something going on between Riku and I. I asked him why he doesn't trust me and why he always thinks I'm playing around with other guys and he said that I never gave him a reason to trust me. I told him that I never gave him a reason _not _to trust me and I reminded him that _he_ was the one who went behind Sora's back when they were dating. I had never done anything like that. I think that arguments where no one's yelling are a lot harder than ones where everyone is screaming. At least when you're mad and shouting, there's no room to be sad. But Axel was so calm (despite my constant crying) and I didn't like that fact at all. He said to me that with all that's been going on that maybe I should have accepted Xion's offer. I asked him if he only came to start another fight and he said he didn't, but stood with the statement. He ran his fingers through my hair and told me that he should probably leave before my parents got home. Fucking jerk.


	85. PAGE85s

Its Naminé's birthday today. Riku offered his house as the party site since Naminé's mother would probably never allow it. We had gone early to set up for the party and by the time everything was ready, Naminé hadn't shown up. We (what I mean by 'we' is just everyone at the party) waited figuring she was maybe with her mom, but by the time everyone showed up, we called her house. We were told that Naminé had left a while ago and some people started panicking that something may have happened to her while she was on her way. Out of nowhere in dawned upon me that she was probably with her father since this her first birthday without him. I asked Riku if I could borrow his car and everyone looked at me like where the hell do you think you're going, but I ignored them and told him I knew where she was. He seemed skeptical and told me to take someone with me, but I declined (because I don't know who already knows about Naminé's dad). I asked again and, after thinking about it, Riku just nodded and handed me his keys. As I left I _swear_ I saw something like concern on Axel's face, but I decided to ignore it. Sure enough, I found Naminé at the cemetery. She wasn't crying, which was good, but she didn't seem like she was in any hurry to leave. I sat with her for a while and all of a sudden she said to me, "I saw your parents Roxas." I kinda freaked. Just a little bit and I had to stop myself from crying. She asked why I had never told her and I said it was because I have a hard time talking about it. I apologized and she said it was fine. Then she asked if Axel and I were dating. I think my shocked looked answered her because she laughed and told me that she saw Axel leave the art room after he saw Xion kiss me. She asked if he knew about my parents and I told her that he didn't. She said that she wasn't going to say anything as long as I promised to do it soon. I agreed and told her that we should get going to her party because everyone was worried and waiting. The party was fun. I didn't talk to Axel much (half because Sora hogged him all night and half because I was afraid to even approach him). Whatever. Naminé had a good time and that's what really matters.


	86. PAGE86w

Hi book. School's vaguely starting to resemble the time just before Axel and I started dating. We're kind of ignoring each other. Only this time, there's no Riku to make it all okay (since he still isn't talking to Axel). Xion approached me again the day before yesterday and said that she'd give me a second chance to be her boyfriend. I told her no and she said that there was no way the person I was in love with was better than her. I told her to trust me because they were (Naminé later told me that she swore she saw Axel smile when I said that). Xion slapped me for it and Riku and Naminé both stood, yelling at her to leave if she knew what was good for her. I left after that. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. In art yesterday, Axel came to me and just barely touched my cheek with his fingers. He said to me, "Same cheek. Does it hurt?" I didn't know how to answer. I didn't even know I started crying until he told me not to cry. He whipped my tears, but then sat at a different table from me. We still haven't spoken since. This Friday, Axel and I would be celebrating our one month anniversary. Usually I hate when people make a big deal over anniversaries under a year, but it's different when you're fighting with the person. I already have the whole thing all planned out. I'll wake up extra early that day so that I can put together a lunch for Axel. Then, I'll ask him to eat with me by using 'can we talk?' as an excuse. We'll go somewhere where it's secluded and no one can bother us and I'll apologize for everything and explain to him about my parents. I'll tell him I love him and I'll give him the lunch I made. Then everything will go back to the way it was. It's a very girlish way of thinking, I'll admit, but I don't care this time. I just want Axel back.


	87. PAGE87f

Today didn't work. I've lost book. I don't know what to do now. I'm sorry. You probably don't understand at all. Here. Let me tell you. So it's Friday. I woke up really really early to make lunches for Axel and I. I even gave myself enough time to visit my parents and ask them to wish me luck. When I got to school, I slipped a note into Axel's locker telling him to meet me for lunch. During recess I got a response that said: cant. Naminé was with me at the time and wanted to know what 'cant' meant, so I told her. She gave me a pretty sympathetic smile. I hate those. She told me not to give up. So I didn't. When lunch came around, I left class quickly to go set up a little picnic-style lunch and then called Axel on his phone. Even though I wasn't expecting an answer, I still felt really heartbroken when I didn't get one. I called again and again and he picked up the fourth time. He seemed a little distracted, but I ignored it and asked him to meet with me. He said he was busy and that he really couldn't. So I told him it was really important. It was quiet for a while, but then I heard him sigh and agree. After waiting for a bit, I finally saw him. Only… he wasn't alone. He had Sora with him. Sora who was clinging to his arm. They stopped walking (maybe a little less the distance of one block away) and Axel turned his back to me (I don't think they had seen me yet). Then he leaned forward… and kissed Sora. I freaked. Heck, I'm _still_ freaking. I didn't know what to do, but I suddenly didn't want to go through with my plan. I just grabbed everything I had and threw it away. By the time I looked back at Axel, I had about one classroom's length of time to wipe all the tears from my eyes and face. When he was finally standing in front of me, I didn't even know what to say. He looked a little shocked and guilty, but all he managed was a 'hey'. I still couldn't think of anything worth saying, but it didn't matter because he kept talking. He said, "Were you crying? What happened? Are you alright?" He tried to put his hand on my face, but I slapped it away reflexively. I couldn't talk. So I ran. And as I was running, I heard something from him that I hadn't heard since before our first fight. My name. I don't know what's going to happen from here on out, but I think we're done. I've lost.


	88. PAGE88s

I didn't wake up today book, because I never managed to go to sleep. I just couldn't do it. Have you ever cried so hard that sometimes you were afraid you just might pass out due to lack of oxygen? Or to the point where you can't even keep your eyes open? Well… no I guess not since you're a book. Its times like these that I'm really glad I live alone. Axel called a few times, but I couldn't answer. What was I supposed to say? Well, actually I probably literally couldn't speak anyways. Early this morning, I got a call from Naminé. You see, last night, after I talked to you, I told Riku everything that happened. And Naminé had been worried because she saw me leave campus yesterday (oh. Did I tell you I left school?), so she called Riku to see what was up. She asked if there was anything she could do, but of course there isn't! There's nothing anyone can do anymore! It hurts, book! It fucking hurts! I haven't cried this much since my parents died! Fuck, I haven't even felt this much pain since they died. My guardian once told me that the reason I couldn't fall in love with the people I was with was because I didn't understand it. She said since I lost my parents, I subconsciously started shutting people out, which was why none of my past relationships never really worked. But I actually fell for him. I fell so fucking hard and I still shut him out! I love him so damn much and now I've lost him and it's my entire fucking fault! This is why I was so skeptical about dating him. I knew I would get hurt in the end. God why did this shit have to happen to me? Why do I always have to fucking lose everything? I can't stand it! It's not fair… And I don't even have anyone I can really talk about it to. I don't have parents to go to. I don't have parents to tell me that it's going to be okay or to make me feel better. I can't talk to my guardian because she'll probably just laugh or ignore me. When I talked to Riku he seemed more angry at Axel than anything. He wasn't very comforting. I don't have anyone. All I have is you and you can't even fucking talk back to me. I hate this, book! Why do I have to be so alone?


	89. PAGE89t

Hi book. It's been a couple of days since I last wrote. It's Tuesday. I couldn't bring myself to go to school yesterday and I wish I didn't go today either. Even though I went, I still only stayed in my lit teacher's office. In the morning, on my way to school, I saw Axel's car. It just drove right passed me. Usually he'd stop and give me a ride. I guess it's possible that he didn't see me, but he probably just ignored me. Then during first passing, I went to use the bathroom and had to walk by Axel's locker. The moment he saw me he left. At lunch, Naminé _dragged_ me to the art room to eat with them. Axel was there when we got there, but as soon as we did, Sora showed up and the two of them left. I saw Axel one last time at the end of the day. I was kind of dragging my ass so I didn't realize how long I actually managed to take just to walk to the bus stop until I saw the bus. I was too far and I didn't really want to make the effort to run vainly, so I just stood there and watched it drive away. Then I saw Axel. He walked right passed me to his car. The instant he got into his car, it started raining so I decided to go back to my teacher's room. But really? He was _so_ eager to talk to me the other night and now he completely ignores me? I _swear _I will _never_ understand that guy. I don't think I'll go to school tomorrow. I feel kinda sick anyway. I don't know what's happened to me. I don't really feel anything anymore. Definitely not happy or anything even distantly-related to it, but not sad either. Not upset, or pissed, or heartbroken. It's just… nothing. Complete numbness. For as much as I hate being like this, it's a nice change compared to my more recent overload of emotions. I don't even feel human. I can't finish this. Bye book.


	90. PAGE90h

So book… we're somewhere you've never been before. It's also my least favourite place in the whole world. There are a million horrible things I could call it, but to save page space, we'll just call it my guardian's house. Allow me to explain. It starts today at school. So during lunch, I was walking with Naminé to the art room. Little details are not important, all that matters is that we ran into Sora. He asked where we were going and, when Naminé told him, he said 'good' cause he was going there too since Riku wasn't here and he can only eat with us when Riku's gone. So we were walking and walking and Sora just kept talking and talking and being annoying and oh my god he would not shut up. So I stopped walking and just before I could shout at him to shut the fuck up, everything got blurry for a split second. Then I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes opened and the ground suddenly felt as if it were shifting beneath me feet. I could kind of hear Naminé saying my name, but it sounded like she was far away and speaking through a long tube. Then… white. White light, white room. I woke up at the end of the day in a bed in the nurse's office. I tried to sit up, but my arms couldn't hold me up. And then the nurse told me that I fainted during lunch. She said I had a fever and then she asked when the last time I ate was. Honestly, I couldn't remember. It's not like I chose not to eat. I kind of just forgot about it. Then she called my guardian to come get me. When I asked how I ended up there, she told me one of my friends brought me in, but when I asked who she said she didn't know. Not like it's really important I guess. Anyway, my guardian picked me up and scolded me about not eating. Then she told me I'd have to stay with her overnight because she didn't have time to take me home and she wanted to make sure I ate too. Lucky me, I had shoved you in my school bag for god knows what reason. I'm getting so sick of Sora.


	91. PAGE91f

Okay, okay so I made a little mistake today. Just a teeny tiny one. Really, it wasn't my fault. I mean, he was pushing me (even though he didn't know it) and my emotions are already completely unpredictable. So, sure, _maybe_ I need to control my emotions and actions and blahblahblah, but everyone else could see that I was annoyed out of my fucking mind! Why the hell couldn't he? Alright alright, I'll start from the beginning. So, Naminé dragged me to the arts room _again_ (she's trying to force me and Axel together as much as possible) and we were eating. Okay, so _she _was eating and I was watching her eat. I'm just not hungry okay? Lay off me. So then Sora walks in with Axel and drags him to our table. And he asks me if I ate already and when I tell him no he's all like oh noooo you need to eat! Didn't you learn from yesterdayyyy? And I was like shut the fuck up. Haha okay, no I didn't say that I only thought it. I told him I just wasn't hungry. Then he said that I was getting too skinny and that no one's gunna wanna date someone with an eating disorder. I tried to laugh it off and Naminé told him to drop it, but Sora kept on going. He said that I need to be healthy for the one I love to love me back and in my mind, all I was thinking was that the one I love doesn't want to love me either way! I was tense by at that point. My hands were clenched into fists and I think I might have been shaking. Naminé and Axel must have noticed because they were trying to tell Sora to shut up, but he just put it off as he was just kidding. Then he looked back at me. I really really really want to know what he thought he was going to get out of this whole lecture. Like, what was the whole point in it? Then Sora said to me that there was someone he really liked and when I saw him smile and glance at Axel, I snapped. Sora sounded like he was going to say more about this 'someone' he liked, but I couldn't fucking take it. So I stood quickly and grabbed Sora by the collar. Axel and Naminé stood too then, trying to tell me to calm down, but I didn't listen. I looked at Sora and said to him, "why don't you ever just shut the fuck up?" And I punched him. So. Fucking. Hard. Naminé screamed when Sora started bleeding. He didn't even have


	92. PAGE92f

the strength to hold himself up when I dropped him. Naminé had run over to his side to make sure he was okay and I stormed out of the room. Axel followed me going all, 'what the fuck was that' on me and I told him to piss off. Axel asked what my problem was and so I said I didn't have one. He kept yelling at me and it just made me really angry. So I finally stopped walking, turning so quickly I almost felt like I would pass out (all the yelling on top of not eating isn't really good for me), and screamed at him, demanding to know why he only bothered with me when it was about something bad. Lately, he _only _talks to me when it's because there's something to fight about and I just fucking want to know why. Why does something bad have to be going on for me to get his attention? I asked him these things and he didn't have an answer for me. I was tired and crying and dizzy and angry. He told me to stop crying and that he didn't want to fight with me, but I wasn't really in control at the moment. I kept on screaming and yelling telling him that I wasn't crying and that _he_ was the whole reason we ever fought anyway. I was going to tell him that I was sick of all the shit he keeps putting me through, but I blanked for a moment and my footing faltered. Axel walked up to me and held me up so I wouldn't pass out again, but I told him to leave me alone. He ignored me and asked why I was so mad. I told him it was because he was a jerk and that I hated him (even though I don't). Then I told him he should go back and make sure Sora was okay since he was _obviously_ important enough to get Axel to talk to me. Either I was right or I just pissed him off to the point where he didn't want to be near me because Axel left right after. And for the one millionth time this week, I cried. In the middle of the hall, in front of the few staring students who gathered because of my yelling. I. Can't. Take. It. Anymore.


	93. PAGE93h

I woke up to a Riku yelling at me. It was only like, ten and he felt the need to bother me. He said to me, "I go on vacation for not even two weeks and you're fainting in school and starting fights?" I gave him a simple 'yup' and rolled over in my bed to go back to sleep. He was like 'oh hell no' and pulled me out of bed. He wanted to know why I hadn't been in school all week and I told him I didn't want to see Axel's face. I decided there was no point in lying. Riku told me that Axel was _really_ worried about me and I laughed at him. I said that if Axel really was worried then he would have come over or called or _something!_ Riku said that Axel didn't want to bother me since he loved me and he knew that I didn't want to be near him. I said that I didn't care about Axel. And Riku was like oh really? So I was like yeah really! Then Riku kissed me. Full on, on the lips with tongue and everything. I pushed him off me and immediately got mad. I asked him what the fuck that was and he said you're mad. Yeah no shit. Thanks for pointing that out because I _never_ would have fucking known if you hadn't. Then he told me that if I really didn't care about Axel, I wouldn't have really cared if he had kissed me or not. He was right. I've kissed Riku before and didn't really care. He said I pushed him off because somewhere, in the back of my mind, I'm going crazy because I don't want to let Axel go. He said he still didn't know anything of whether Axel really was with Sora or not, but I shouldn't give up because he knows Axel loves me more. I told Riku that I still didn't really want to see Axel and he told me that I had, counting today, three days. He said I have three days to think through this because on Saturday, like it or not, I was going to see Axel. I don't know what Riku's planning, but I guess I don't have any options aside from trusting him.


	94. PAGE94a

Last night, Riku called me and told me to meet him at the train station at exactly seven. Seriously? _Seven?_ Why so damn early? Anyway, I got up and rushed my way over. Riku didn't show up until seven thirty, but I guess that's to be expected from him. He had Axel with him and my heart and stomach felt as if they were trying to trade places. I hadn't seen him in so long that finally looking at him again made my chest hurt. My head was spinning and I suddenly felt like crying. I couldn't cry then. I had been doing so well. I hadn't cried all week and I was defiantly tired of crying in public. Axel didn't seem too surprised to see me, so I guess he knew that I was going to be there. Riku said something to him and they came over to me. He smiled at me and asked if I was okay and I just nodded. He made me promise not to fuck up and not to fight with Axel. He said he made Axel promise the same. Riku told me that Axel didn't know anything about what was going on today (neither did Riku, so I wasn't surprised. Riku told me I had better call him to tell him how everything worked out). Then he went over to ask Axel if it would be okay if we blind folded him and he looked at Riku as if he had lost his mind or something. It took a bit of convincing, but he got him to agree. After that, Riku told me that he trusted I knew what to do and I nodded and thanked him. He left and I grabbed Axel's hand and told him that we were getting on the train. He asked me why he had to be blindfolded, but I didn't answer. It was hard to talk to him. He seemed kind of annoyed. We got off after about twenty minutes and I walked with Axel for a good five minutes. It felt nice to have him hold my hand, even if it was just because he HAD to. There were a few times where we almost tripped and people kept looking at us like we were really strange, but I didn't really care. Once we had finally made it to where we needed to be, I released Axel's hand and he asked if he could take off the blindfold. I told him not yet. I told him that I was sorry for everything that I had said and that I was just angry and that I didn't mean any of it. I started crying because I remembered about Axel's kiss with Sora, but I


	95. PAGE95a

continued. I told him that I didn't want to be fighting with him and that, at the very least, I hoped we could at least go back to being friends. He reached out blindly then and I think he tried to kiss me, but I brushed him off. You know book, there's something I've been meaning to try, but I think it might be a little bit weird. We'll see. Besides, this is probably the best and easiest way to explain.  
>Roxas turned and kneelt on the grass. He spoke quietly, but Axel still managed to catch the sentence, "Mama… papa… this is Axel. You remember, right? I've told you all about him. Sorry I haven't brought him until now." Axel gasped and pulled off his blindfold. He exhaled and slumped his shoulders (I know because I could see is shadow). Roxas continued, "I was scared. It's hard for me to talk about you guys and even harder to bring people to visit. It's not a topic I like to bring up." The redhead breathed Roxas's name, a mixture of regret and sympathy in his voice. "I really love him and it was selfish and stupid of me to keep this from him, but I promise," Roxas turned back to look at Axel, "no more secrets." The blonde smiled with tears in his eyes, and Axel dropped to his knees next to the boy (writing like this is awkward!). "Roxas I am so sorry. I had no idea. I just jumped to conclusions. And I said all those horrible things. My god, I am so sorry," he pulled Roxas into a tight embrace. "Don't be sorry. It's my own fault for not telling you," Roxas sniffled, clutching his hands on the back of Axel's jacket. "No, no. I shouldn't have said those things. I'm so sorry." The two were quiet for a few moments and when Axel released Roxas, he spoke, "I lost them when I was six years old. I've always felt like it was my fault. There are hardly any people who know. Talking about them is the hardest thing in the world for me. One day, I promise I'll tell you, but right now I can't." Axel smiled softly, "Thank you for bringing me here. Although, just telling me would have worked too. This is probably the most extreme way of telling me this. But I'm glad you did. I love you, Roxas." Axel leaned forward,<p> 


	96. PAGE96a

aiming for the blonde's lips, but Roxas pushed him away, "what about Sora?" "What_ about_ Sora?" Roxas looked down sadly, "Well I saw you with him yesterday… I saw you kiss him just before you came to meet me." Axel gave the boy a confused look, "What are you talking about? Yesterday Sora followed me when I went to meet you and then I- OH. Now I see. I told him I couldn't go out with him because I'm in love with someone and I don't plan to stop loving them any time soon, but I whispered it in his ear, so it must have looked like I kissed him from the back." Roxas blushed, suddenly feeling completely stupid. Axel laughed, "I only love you, Roxas."  
>This is the first time I've used three pages in one day, book. Okay so writing like this? Really weird. But only because I had to use my own name. I mean I write in third person all the time. It's just different (and when I say different I mean totally off and almost a little embarrassing) when you use your own name and try to describe something you actually did. That was the conversation to the best of my memory. I'm probably a bit off. Anyway, Axel and I have made up completely now though and that makes me really happy. While we were riding the train back, Axel asked if I knew that yesterday was our one month anniversary. I laughed at him and told him all about my plan. He called me cute and apologized to me for ruining it. I told him it was no big deal and he made me promise to make him food some other time. He said that, one day, we're going to have to tell Sora bout us and when I asked why he said it was because we we're going to get married one day and surly, Sora would be more angry if he found out that way. I rolled my eyes at him and laughed it off. I never really thought of marriage before… but I can't think of anyone better to marry than Axel. Haha. How cheesy of me. I'm letting Axel stay over tonight. This is the first time he'll be spending the night at my house. He said that we're going to have a whole lot of 'fun'. Well… bye book.<p> 


	97. PAGE97s

Hey. So what I'm about to tell you is going to sound really weird. Make up sex is absolutely AMAZING. It's just… ohmygod there aren't even words for it. Okay. You can think I'm weird now. BUT REALLY! There's just something wonderful about it. I don't know it's it the whole haven't-had-sex-in-so-long thing or the oh-my-god-i-am-so-madly-in-love-with-you thing or whatever! It's just… OH GOD it's amazing. I'M NOT SAYING I LIKE FIGHTING! Dear fucking god no. And I'm not saying we should fight more often so we can make up and have great sex either. I don't want to fight with Axel ever again. Like. EVER. I hope that we can just stay in love and be happy forever. I think I can see myself spending my life with Axel. I'm glad there's no more secrets between us. It's better like that. Riku came over I don't know when. Earlier this morning, when Axel and I were… done… Ax went to sleep, so I went out into the living room and there he was. Just sitting on my couch like it was nobody's business. He said to me, "you guys are really noisy." He has some nerve sometimes! So embarrassing! He asked about what had happened yesterday, so I gave him every detail. He didn't say it, but I can tell he's glad that everything's okay now. When I had asked how he got into my house he said that the door was left unlocked. UNLOCKED! Do you at all realize what that means, book? It means that at any given moment my guardian could have just walked on in and… oh my god. I won't even think about it. Wow, book… we're actually almost done. When I first started, I thought there'd be no way I'd even make it half way, but it's been kinda fun, huh? I wonder if I'm going to look back at this in twenty years and thing that I was retarded kid. Haha!


	98. PAGE98m

Hi book. I don't want to go to school today for a list of reasons. 1, I haven't gone for a long time and my teachers will probably be mad. 2, I am sooo behind on work. 3, my lit teacher's definitely gonna want to know exactly what happened to me. 4, same with Naminé. 5, I haven't seen Sora since the day I hit him. 6, I'm tired as hell. 7, my body fucking hurts to no end. Yeah… don't even ask about that last one. I'm sure you can figure it out. Either way though, I have to go to school for an equally long list of reasons. 1, my guardian keeps bitching at me to go to school. 2, I need to get my work done because I don't want to fail. 3, we'll be working on short stories in writing soon. 4, Riku bitches me more about it than my guardian. 5, I should probably apologize to Sora. 6, if I keep missing school with no calls from my guardian, I'll get suspended. 7, I want to see Axel. Which brings us here, on the bus with less than five minutes before the first bell rings. What a drag. Okay, hi again book. It's the end of the day and I'm finally back at home. My teachers were all more worried than upset. They kept asking if I was okay. I could tell my lit teacher wanted to know what happened, but he didn't ask. I just told him that everything was okay and back to normal again. Sora avoided me all day today. Naminé sort of flipped on me. Half mad that I wasn't in school for so long, half glad that I was okay, and completely overjoyed that me and Axel are together again. Riku kept slapping my ass whenever he saw me. That fucker. Oh! Another thing about Riku. For the first time today I saw him turn down one of his 'regulars.' And she wasn't just any regular; she was the first person he'd ever slept with. I've never ever _ever_ seen him turn her down. Usually he'd drop everything to do it with her. But no… not today. He told her he was busy and she took it okay. I think he likes someone. But I could be wrong. Axel and I hung out for a little while after school, but I went home kind of early cause I was tired (and sore). Things are finally back to normal, book. I think everything's going to be okay.


	99. PAGE99

Wow. Hi book. It's definitely been a while… maybe five years since we last spoke. I'm twenty-one now, can you believe it? I found you while cleaning out a closet, though I can't, for the life of me, recall ever putting you in there. I'll be completely honest and say that I had forgotten you entirely. I just got through reading a few pages and I'm glad my fifteen-year-old mind came up with the once-seemingly crazy idea of starting you. There are things in you that I wouldn't have remembered. When I turned to the end, I saw that I still hadn't finished, so I'll take this opportunity to do just that. Let's see, a lot has happened these past years. On my twentieth birthday last year, my grandfather's company was released to me and I am now the president of it. It's doing well and I enjoy it more than I had originally thought as a child. I am in the process of publishing my very first book. It's a love story between a prince and his caretaker. The caretaker goes missing one day and the prince runs away to search for him. The prince eventually learns that his caretaker isn't human and oh I would waste this whole page away if I were to explain it all. It's sort of a fantasy-adventure romance thing. The book is set to be released next year. There are no words in this world to express how happy I am about this. When I found that it was going to be published, I thought I was going to die. Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about my friends. All I can say about Riku is that he's not on this planet right now. I always knew he could do it. I'm really glad for him, even though half the time I scare myself thinking of all the bad things that could happen up there. His wife is a fashion designer. And I mean high fricken fashion. She owns one of those companies that somehow gets away with selling dresses for the same amount as cars. Naminé's dream changed along the way. I suppose fashion design still uses a lot of art, but none of us really saw that coming. Or the wedding… we didn't really see that coming either. They're really happy together. And ridiculously rich. There should be laws against rich people getting married to other rich people. Haha! Sora I'm not too sure about… the last time we spoke, I was 17. He moved out of country without much of an explanation. Sometimes I think I see him, but by the time I make the double take, he's gone. When he graduated from high school, Axel

-  
>an: leave reviews so i dont "forget" to post page 100


	100. PAGE100

moved back to America for school for a year. He's a manga artist now. In fact, I'm his writer for that too (it wasn't something I had ever even thought of doing, but I was beyond honored when he asked. Partially because we weren't together when he asked…). Together we have created one of the _girliest_ MAN-made mangas ever. As far as our relationship is concerned, Axel broke up with me when he moved back to America because he wasn't planning on coming back and I didn't want to go with him. He came back because his father got him a job here and we tried to get back together, but after less than half a year we broke up again because all we seemed to ever do was fight. We're currently not dating and I honestly don't think we will be again. I miss him a lot, but he's in a relationship and shows no hints of liking me as anything more than a friend. I'm glad we're even still friends. So yes, I long for him even now and I've never stopped loving him. Whatever. I don't want to talk about all that. I live alone in my same house. In fact, not much has really changed about me. I still have all sorts of piercings, play video games for hours at a time, and never speak of my parents. You know… when Axel and I got over our first fight, I thought that we'd never fight again. I thought that, somehow, we'd be happy and in love forever. But we still fought. And we weren't always happy. In fact, we get along about a hundred times better as friends than as lovers. I guess life doesn't always go the way you think it will. When you're young, you think that everything is somehow going to magically work out. It never does. I wanted to be with him forever, but real life just doesn't work like that. I hope that, one day, I can get over him and fall in love again. Isn't that sad? We've been apart for so long and I still can't get over it. How pathetic… well that's it. Thanks for listening to me complain all the time. Looks like this is the end… good bye book.

-  
>an: OHMYGOD OF THIS TRUELY THE END?  
>perhaps...<br>could there be more? who knows? no one knows. except for meeeeeee c:

thanks for sticking with my story!  
>hope you had a good time reading it!<br>if you havent recently (January19 or later) read 100P from page 1, i ask that you consider doing so  
>ive edited it a lot in order to make writing Falling easier<p>

Falling will start in a month or two  
>ask some questions at the tumblr in the meantime<br>they can be random things that have nothing to do with the story (favourites, dislikes, pastimes, etc), things about the five year gap, or whatever you like!

again, thanks for the support!  
>love you all!<p> 


	101. PAGE11

_Hi book. I really don't feel like writing or talking or thinking or anything-that-isn't-sleeping. Today was dull. I went to class, did work, ate lunch, and went home. Really. In the order. I never went to my after-lunch classes. In fact, I hardly made it through lunch before Riku and I ditched and took the bus to my house. We played video games and then he went home. Usually I would use an opportunity like this to tell you a story or to tell you about a person, but really? Today was just very uninspiring. Perhaps I'll remember to use the other half of this page someday. Perhaps I won't. Either way, for now this is good night. At five pm.  
><em>Hi Love. I know that one day you'll eventually find and read this. Don't be surprised when you see it though because I first read your little book when we were still in high school. I just never told you about it. You are so damn cute. I honestly don't like how you've ended it though. Not your greatest work there. And since I've found this forgotten, half-empty page, I decided I'd finish it for you. I want you to know that I've always been in love with you and that I'm sorry that we've had some pretty rough times together. It's not necessarily going to get any easier just because we're older either. When things get tough, we'll still fight because YOU get worked up too easily and I just love to see your angry little face. We've come a long way since our first few fights. Haha, do you remember the time when you totally kicked my ass in the school parking lot that one time? My own mother gave you a high five. That TRAITOR! And just so you know, you were ONLY able to do that cause there's no way in hell I'd even fight you back. Roxas, I love you more than anyone and anything in this world. My heart will belong to you forever and you and I, no matter how crazy we sometimes get, will be together always. Now, I'm going to have to get going because in less than five minutes now, music will start to play and the love of my life is going to walk down a rose petal covered aisle. I'm going to put ring on his finger and he'll be forever mine to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I love you eternally, Roxas.

-  
>an: ahh and there you go.  
>this is the end of 100 Pages<br>what? you didnt _really_ think i was gonna leave you with them apart, did you?

from the moment i wrote page 11 all those months ago, i already knew that this was how it was going to end.

sorry for those of you who liked the other ending. just... forget you ever read this?

thanks for you love and support  
>writing this for all of you was fun!<br>please review and let me know how you felt about the story. it would mean a lot to me

i hope to see you in Falling and my other fictions as well  
>good bye!<p> 


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